I'm Messed Up.

I have terrible thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was being abused, or raped, so people would feel sympathy for me. I'm a sicko for thinking something so terrible, and I know this. I also wish people around me were smart enough to see me for me. Because I can't. I don't know who I am or what kind of person I am, I make-up a new personality around everyone I meet, mostly so that person will like me better. I want to be a therapist but I sometimes wonder if I'm going to need my own. But I don't want anyone ever to see me as a terrible person, or to judge me, even a little. And I know if I confide my secrets in anyone, as I've never done before, that they'll judge me. I've had thoughts of self-harm, sometimes to punish myself, sometimes again to make other people feel sorry for me. I've scratched myself until I bled and I've felt completely alone and empty. And I've done this to myself. I hate myself, and I don't even know who I am. I just want it to stop.
Hippopotomus Hippopotomus
13-15, F
2 Responses Sep 22, 2012

I actually do the same thing when it comes to change personality, so the person will like me. Even though inside I just feel empty and worthless, and I don't know how to be me. It's really weird and I don't know what to do about it...?????

at that age I just kept waiting to grow up. Now I'm a grown up I never want to be that age again. It'll get better in some way but worse in others. I know who i am now. I have a more defined sense of identity now and understand my environment a bit more. I hope you find happiness in something sometime soon.