Naivity

I often think that I would like to be a small child again. Life seemed so much easier back then. And then I think some more.
Childhood was only easy because I didn't understand everything that was going on around me, I didn't know any different. So if I say, I wish I was young again...or if you hear someone else say that, it's probably the naivity and innocence that we're missing, not being a small child in itself. When I got to 13, that's when my world started to change. You get to high school and realise what's normal and what isn't and that's when I started to realise how ****** up my home life really was. It wasn't okay how Dad used to hurt Mum and me and my brothers when he didn't get what he wanted. It wasn't okay that when Mum said she was 'just going to sleep', she ended up in hospital. It wasn't okay that my 6 year old brother was seeing a counselor about 'Daddy' being the 'big shark' and the rest of us being 'little fishes'. It wasn't okay at all, far from it. But this happened the whole way through my childhood so I guess it's the naivity I miss, everything that happened was still scary and hurtful but at the time, I felt at ease with the rest of the world because I thought this happened at my friends houses as well. I thought every household was the same. I didn't know that what Dad was doing to us was called domestic violence and that when Mum ended up in hospital, it was because she was attempting suicide. I didn't know that I would be scarred for life and spend years self-harming, smoking weed and taking anti-depressants. I just didn't know. "What you don't know, can't hurt you" apparently, but now I know everything and I understand it all. That's what I miss; naivity. 
mixedupmess mixedupmess
18-21, F
May 7, 2012