My Heart Is Breaking

I never thought you could really love someone you weren't in a relationship with until I met him. From the moment I first saw him I knew he would be someone I liked and it began with a big crush that was, sorry for the pun, "crushed" when I found out he had a girlfriend. But I went on with my life, recognizing that I could never get to know him how I wanted to, but still wanting to be around him. I'm drawn to him; wherever he is, I want to be. I thought that maintaining my crush wouldn't really cause any problems considering no one else needed to know but me, but I somehow lost control of my feelings and began to like him more than I should have.

I reminded myself about the girlfriend, but I still thought that simply liking him wouldn't harm anyone... but it harmed me. I couldn't have controlled how I felt if I tried; he's magnetic, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel happy. I feel like we understand each other on a completely different level... like he could know me so well and I could know him too... and this is when things started to escalate. We had a really good day together where he said some things that really resonated with me and I felt like we were just from the same mental/emotional planet... like our worldviews were so similar, like any crazy dreams or thoughts I've ever had wouldn't seem so crazy or weird to him. He would understand.

He said one thing that made me say wow... and I kept thinking the next day that I could fall in love with him, he was just so honest. I think I did when he said it... I have all the telltale signs, and although I would never admit it to anyone, especially never him, I know how I feel and I know what I feel is real. I started dreaming about being with him but I finally realized yesterday that I need to stop... he is with someone else and I can't tell him how I feel; that I think he's the most beautiful person I've ever met. And in realizing this, the veritable truth... my heart breaks silently... no one will ever know it and so I must continue to pretend like I am okay when every time I see him my heart explodes a little more...
summerfinn summerfinn
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 16, 2013

Too young, too short. Wait 1-2 years and try get to know him as best as possible. These smashers turn often to be sb else than they first seem to be (e.g. changing relationships easily of even playing with multiple girls at the same time). Then you will see if he's worth to be fought for.

Interesting... that was a particularly dramatic post on my part (I know I don't really love him) but I guess you're right. I just don't understand why so many people can find good relationships so easily yet when someone I actually really like comes around... he's taken. It's frustrating. I know patience is key but sometimes waiting is hard; I always wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Thank you for your reply :)