I Battle Myself

Well nearing my 19th year alive in a few months from now,sadly to say,time is moving faster.Nevertheless my postion in life....is one that I feel like lying under the bedsheets allday to w/ only the sound of the television.To keep it all simple,highschool changed my life,I made the wrong choices that hopefully wont impact forever but for now it dented me like a t-bone collision at an intersection.All threw out school I never had any friends I was and am I loner.In highschool I hung w/ those who did what I did,I did drugs and drank,I used things I never thought (triplce c's,Xscasty,Weed,and just drinking,cigs),I would also skipped 95% of my highschool years doing this.Long summary of this I started about a month into highschool and didnt make any good new friends and was to preoccuipped w/ having new ones who we did fun things together w/(getting high)that I didnt care.Now fastforward about 2 years..... I should have paid more attention then I got into legal troubles,I had been working at Mc.Donald's since 9th grade so the money I would get started spending towards that as well and food haha when I got hungry.I skipped alot of classes daily now that I look back it was maily b/c I didn't fit in period,even if I had tried and looking back i see why.I looked a hot mess w/ this obession of growing my cornrows(briads back out) which only stayed in the afro stage.Along w/ my self-esstem and confindence I let go out of my own hands I'd cut it off and on,then want to grow it back w/ in 3 months prior......These are real issues I had and it botheres me that this is in my timeline life film in my head.These are my memories blah :P appitizing for me.Anywho,I was a scoail outcast and socially awkaraed at that.Also picky when it comes down to women,I had lots of lucky but never to the luck if you know what I mean.Or I think now looking back picky and shy I dont know but know its just shy/not knowing what to do socially or how to act or what to say no stories to tell.
Blah let me skip forward legal issues probation officer....alternative school to get my grades up......passed highschool test....got my diploma which was expected but I barley made it out at my lowest piont I see.How I am socially is even worse when working on jobs.Currently I'm unemployed,since 9th to now I've held 6 jobs.None of which I feel comfortable at never at ease or felt able to be myself and not seemed on edge or werid socially,and like I have no life outside of work.I pray now that I've stopped w/ drugs and drinking that my mind will seize from that frame of mind,and the cob webs will be gone.
I wont go boost myself but I am no idiot by far,I jsut havent studied or applied my self in school.I have alot of missing section of math and subjects that I need and study habits in general.As some of you on here may know I will be going to JOB CORPS in mid January I have good thoughts and scary/nerve reacking realizations,I'd love to fit in do my work,study,and TRY to have a good time there.Cause I hear its a bad place for those w/out a GED or H.S. diploma also you can get a trade while living there its all free in the USA.Heres the web site check it out please to get what I'm talking about..>>>>>.....http://www.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx.....<<<.But yes I guess no confindence and low self esstem and not getting over my place in life and the mean things I've dont to others kids when I was younger to fit in.By how I acted I say I deserve this if I were to tell the whole world.But I'm not like that,why not take the world by force rather than have the world on you thats what I thought.Till the older I got I couldnt keep that charde up I wasnt tough enough for it luckliy.But now not onyl am I not I got weaker from it all and whats worst is that everything on the inside shows threw my as I can tell whenever I walk or go somewhere in public.My walk my face everything whats in my head bothers me and shows threw I hate it.But I cant wait for the rapture I cant wait until Jesus comes back I know that sounds so....depressing but haha it true it is true I cant wait to go to heaven I'm hope I'm worthy to go.I'd love to have fun and be happy before I leave but I dont care where the hevaen button already.In the men time be w/ me at JOB CORPS.
lonleystoner lonleystoner
22-25, M
3 Responses Nov 30, 2012

yeah i cant wait til the rapture too, but we just gotta keep living until then. as far as the rest of this confession, i think a solution for this would be to learn from the past and dont let history repeat itself, i commented this one before, but i will give you a solution, not all on this one comment, but i know what it is youre dealing with. you need to grow up and realize you are an adult now, a very young adult but you are an adult. like i said before you should be grateful you recovered from so much in so little time, because people arent as forgiving when youre of legal age. i dont think i can tell you to stop being so shy, or stop being so nervous because i think it is something deeper, but i know some things that might help you. this over all confession is a good start at helping you break from your shell a little. i will email you ok.

First off, wow really long. I'll try to respond to everything that you said but i cant guarantee it. Anyway to start, I am 19 yrs old be 20 in july and I am not gonna lie my life seems pointless (not saying that it is, im just saying that to me it does). I understand about the high school years, let me tell you i didnt fit in either, for me it started back in elementary, sure i had friends but i didnt really have any close friends and i was really overprotected growing up, in fact im still overprotected, no as much but i am. but going back to my point, what im trying to say is that not everyone has there place in high school, it's ok, nothing to worry about. it's cool that you dont do drugs or drink anymore, it's better for you in the long run (not saying people who do that are bad, but health wise). um congrats about the job corps! let's see....i think i hit everything.....oh about the very last part, about heaven, i'm with you, but i want to see my future and i got my sis and grandma; i know my dad would want me to live and see tomorrow as long as i can. See this is something that is obvious but not everybody realizes it: what we do, what we think, how we act, what we say, how we say it, how we feel; it effects everybody, whether big or small, it effects people. whether they know it or not. think of it this way, if there was a heaven button right now and you were to push it and blam you're dead and in heaven, would anyone miss you? would you miss anyone? and i literally mean anyone, that means anyone on this whole earth.

i love reading your stories you go so in depth with them. well at least youre starting job corps soon. I didnt know you had gotten in to the serious drugs, i mean weed is pretty normal...but wow exta.c sorry im bad at spelling. you overcame alot, in such a short length of time. you have alot to be thanking the Lord for.