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I Feel Like There Is No Hope.

I let myself fall madly, crazy. in love with him. I let myself trust him. And tonight I learn that He is probably seeing someone else. I am 95 % sure they are together right now. I want to get in my car, drive over to his house, and wait until she leaves. I want to see who this person is. I want to knock on his door and demand he tell me why I was not enough for him. Why He couldn't end things with me first. Except that I know He won't answer the door. I read peoples sad stories on ep all the time and when they say they feel like ending it, I always feel so bad for them. And tonight, it's my turn. I wish I could get so drunk that I could be numb. So I didn't feel like this. But I am not  a drinker and I think I would feel worse. I thought by 43 I would be in a stable, normal, relationship. I am not afraid to be alone, I kind of like it. But I do want to be loved . I deserve to be loved . I do not feel better after writing this, and I still want to go over to his house and make a scene. But I am not a drama queen. I do not make scenes. If I am still awake at midnight, i am going over there and ....I don't know what I will do. Run him over? Break the windows in his new loves car? No. I don't think she even knows about me. Unless she looks in the drawer on what used to be my side of the bed. I realize I am just rambling but once I end this story i will be alone again. And I don't feel up to it tonight. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 
calmgreenocean calmgreenocean 41-45, F 6 Responses Dec 17, 2011

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It really helps when he sees you smiling and happy without his sorry butt. One day he undoubtedly will and you just flash him a brilliant smile and look right at him without a sign of recognition.... that is retribution.

I understand how you feel. I'm trying to let him know I will be ok without him. but inside I'm dying. I see it's been a few months and I hope you are happy and ok now. I am in such limbo now that it's just scary. I don't know if I will ever even try to love again. I don't want to go thru this again. I couldn't handle it.

your grace and strength shine throuugh despite your ache.i;m sure your "real world" circle are there for you and i willl not offer gratuitous advice.i willsay hold steady through your sense of hopelessness.peace be with you.

Thank you very much. :I

"Grace and strength are difficult things to posses and truly have these days! By not succoming to your initial desired actions you have exuded this which in my book is so much easier to do & may bring momentary satisfaction but would be soon replaced with the headache of any reprocutions, the initial pain of ur reality and giving him something negative so the focus which in a sence gived him power as it becomes about u rather than his own wrong doing!

Hey. If you want to get back at this guy, have him see you enjoying life without him. I understand that you're in pain now, but trust me, if you attack him or the other girl you will become the topic of his next brag. Hurt a guy's pride. Make him feel that he was not enough for YOU. Be happy and watch it belittle his ego. I don't have much experience in this field, but I do know pain. Trust me, a thorn can hurt just as much as a hammer, the difference is that a thorn can get into places where a hammer never will.<br />
Hope I helped.

Thank you very much. I am trying to take everyones advice. :I

Stellar advice and a great analogy bren hammer &amp; thorn! That one will resonate tor a while! Thanks for posting!

well, Thank you for takin your time to share your own story.... best wishes :)

This pain of heartache, over a lost love, is wretched pain to bear. I am so sorry for you. I wish I knew of a way to alleviate the pain, but it's only time can heal this. Try and stay busy, lean on your friends, if you can, and distract your mind with humor...anything that may make you smile or laugh, even if only for a few seconds. You may not be up to the last one yet, but it does help to be around funny people or watch funny movies, even playing with a puppy can bring a smile. Helping others helps too. It won't take all the pain away, but it helps. (((hugs)))

Thank you very much. I will be okay. It could be worse, right? :I