I Feel Like There Is No Hope.
I let myself fall madly, crazy. in love with him. I let myself trust him. And tonight I learn that He is probably seeing someone else. I am 95 % sure they are together right now. I want to get in my car, drive over to his house, and wait until she leaves. I want to see who this person is. I want to knock on his door and demand he tell me why I was not enough for him. Why He couldn't end things with me first. Except that I know He won't answer the door. I read peoples sad stories on ep all the time and when they say they feel like ending it, I always feel so bad for them. And tonight, it's my turn. I wish I could get so drunk that I could be numb. So I didn't feel like this. But I am not a drinker and I think I would feel worse. I thought by 43 I would be in a stable, normal, relationship. I am not afraid to be alone, I kind of like it. But I do want to be loved . I deserve to be loved . I do not feel better after writing this, and I still want to go over to his house and make a scene. But I am not a drama queen. I do not make scenes. If I am still awake at midnight, i am going over there and ....I don't know what I will do. Run him over? Break the windows in his new loves car? No. I don't think she even knows about me. Unless she looks in the drawer on what used to be my side of the bed. I realize I am just rambling but once I end this story i will be alone again. And I don't feel up to it tonight. Thank you for taking the time to read this.