It Just Hurts So Bad

I can't process how much pain I am in. It surges up through my tummy and into my heart. I want to crawl under my desk and hide. I've considered sleeping in the closet just so I can feel safe in the small space, and maybe no one will bother me. I have no insurance or I would have went to the ER the other night. I've never been one to cut myself but I hurt so bad that I don't know how to feel anymore. It's like my mind can't handle the actual physical pain I am in, so I've thought of cutting myself just so I would feel something that I understood. (is that why people hurt themselves?).

The other day I sat for hours trying to decide what the best way to kill myself is. The thought of choking makes me panic, so I would not want to hang myself. There are so many guns in the house, so I considered how quick and easy that might be but I would really feel bad about leaving the mess behind for someone to find/clean up. I thought about slitting my wrists, but then again there is the mess. So I thought well I could slit my wrists in the shower, but then I thought of people finding me naked and you know the cops would need photos and stuff and it would just seem like a bad situation, very exposed. Then I thought, well h***, there are so many pills here (my ex boyfriends dad is recovering from cancer and heart surgery) I thought I could probably find a deadly combo and just go to sleep. But then I really worried that I would take a combo that would just be enough to leave me mentally handicapped so then I would be strapped in a chair rocking the rest of my life. So the best I could come up was to slit my wrists, fully clothed and then put my hands down in buckets so it wouldn't make a mess. But then I worried, how big of a bucket would I need? I am uncertain how much blood is in me.

Then I realized that I didn't think my best friend would make it without me, because I know if she died I would be devistated. I didn't want to tell her what I had been thinking but I decided that I was scaring myself. I ended up leaving the house and visiting another friend. I don't feel as bad as I did now (a couple days later) But I'm still hurting so badly that I don't know what to do. I was ok all day but then the sun went down, and I tried to have an innocent enough conversation with my ex (who I still love very much) about Dr. Mario, and then the sadness took over and I wanted to start asking questions I didn't really want the answer too. How's your new girlfriend? Are you happy? Do you miss me? Do you like her more than me?

And I had to quit talking to you. I've never been more chaotic and alone than I am right now. And it's all because I still love you. How f***ed up is that?
insane000illusions insane000illusions
26-30, F
2 Responses May 5, 2012

This captures my same thoughts.<br />
i dont know what to do. <br />
i want to die but i dont know how, i just want something easy. <br />
i wish someone could just kill me instead. i asked all those same questions to my ex.<br />
and the bastard told me the truth finally. he was with that girl last week. and it is still with her. my pain is unbearable. my stomach hurts right now but i managed to stop crying.i got to a point where i can eat again and make it through the day but when im alone, i break down all over again. i feel empty. i want to talk to someone. but i have no one. i wish i could see a therapist, maybe they could help me control these thoughts and feelings. i want to be happy. or at least numb at the moment where i cant feel anything.<br />
<br />
If you find a way to get out of these thoughts/feelings let me know. <br />
im in a constant battle with myself, and anything negative that pops up strikes me and im back to the floor again. i thought of sleeping my my closet too. i used to when i was a kid. it made me feel safe. but theres no room in the closet right now. /:<br />
<br />
i been wanting to hurt myself to distract me from emotional pain. i just dont know how. i want to hit something. i want to hit myself. or my ex. to bang his head again the wall would be nice. maybe, but then i would be sad that i hurt him.<br />
<br />
im a mess and i need help.<br />
<br />
hope your doing better.

I'm still having ups and downs but mostly I am feeling better. I am not thinking of him as much. Sometimes it still hits me and I feel awful. He told me about how he met her kids the other day and that made me want to vomit.

Not talking to him is helping. and I journal a lot. I'm not as depressed as I was. I haven't thought of killing myself. So cheer up, time will make it more bearable.

Thanks. Not talking to him is helping but I keep checking my phone hoping he will call or text to say he misses me and can live without me. I feel foolish for wishing that/: I'm having ups and downs too. But lately it's been downs. I just want to forget and be happy. I feel so empty I can stare at the wall and get the same enjoyment as watching tv. I'm feeling more numb everyday but I keep having thoughts of them. And that girl has a bf too. She's cheating on her bf for my ex. It ****** me off. Makes me sick. And if I ever see that *****, it's going down. I don't think I can pass up the chance to kick her ***. I need a distraction. I been writing alot too. I been cleaning, drawing, and anything else to make me not think of him for an hour or so. It's the times I'm alone that gets me.

Anyways if you are ever at a down moment and you need to vent to someone, message me, I'll be there to listen.

Thanks for the feedback. Believe it or not, it's comforting to know your doing better, it gives me hope that I'll get better with time.

I understand what you mean about the whole hurting yourself thing ive been there and are still struggling with not hurting myself. But hurting yourself though it may get you out of this world it just ends up hurting the people that love you. The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them. things will get better. you have to find someone that makes you whole so to speak.