The Pain Is Unreal.....

The pain is unreal, I have no idea what to do or how to change it or why I want it to change and not move on.  Short story long - it's how I roll - 2 1/2 years ago I learned my husband was "seeing" someone.  I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw.  I made the decision then that I was going to make a change.  I started working out and the weight started to come off. He still treated me with indifference but I thought if I worked at looking better and making more of an effort to bring him to the forefront that maybe it would all be ok.  Now mind you I had spent the past 22 years raising our two daughters and helped them get into college, so I know I lost sight of my marriage.  Everyday was a struggle to stay focused on the weight loss and still try to make sure he wasn't pushed off to the side.  The only thing I was successful at was losing the weight - I'm now 107 lbs lighter and still miserable.  When we are at the gym my husband acts as though I don't exist or that he doesn't even know who I am.  I have asked if he would work out with me and he won't but yet he doesn't seem to have any problem working out with other females.  I see him smiling at others and glaring at me.  I try to make conversation and he acts annoyed yet he chats up a blue streak with others.  He makes it a point to leave me out of things.  I know my marriage is over and leaving is not an option because of finances but I hurt everyday and everyday feels worse than the day before.  Particularly now when I see him with one of the female instructors who has a reputation for chasing married men and getting them.  They work out together, text, facebook msg each other and always side by side when she isn't "working".  The lying and deceipt is continuous and painful.  I should be proud of my accomplishment but why do I always have to feel like I always take second place to everyone else.......
preciousgirl221 preciousgirl221
41-45, F
2 Responses May 6, 2012

Well<br />
I totally understand your reality. I was VERY committed to my marriage and family. 3 kids, great job, nice house. X was in a multiple year relationship with her best friends husband. Crushed, still crushed, however I have a little shred of ME that I never had while married. I was using her for my sense of well being. I can see in your words that we are similar in that. It is hell, has been hell but it is better than being on a one way street all the time. I dont know you or your situation but I do know you can do it without him. You are strong and ANY real man would appreciate that chance to know WHO you are not what you can do for them. That saying in the bible about evenly yolked is so true. Maybe you can find the support you need to better form yourself in another location.<br />
I understand your pain and bewilderment but what if he decides to bail and you are left in the cold. Could happen. Please keep me posted.<br />
J

Hi J, thank you for sharing your experience. You are very right that when i finally get the back bone to leave i need to totally leave the area. His enjoyment of hurting my feelings is way too much. But then i have the fear of starting all over. I have to admit I sound like a mess. LOL thank you for caring. B

First, congratulations on your weight loss. That is truly a remarkable achievement, and be proud of yourself. <br />
I am very sorry for your pain, and I agree with you that you really need to be away from this man. He causes you nothing but pain. I too stay because of financial reasons until I can be secure in my own right, but the difference is, I slowly realized that he was never going to love me, and I deserved much better than a man who treated me so poorly. Grab hold of your own self respect and dignity, and look on him as someone who has no depth, and is cruel to you. If you have a sister or daughter think about them in this situation, what would you think and say then? You would say, this guy is a loser, you deserve to be treated with respect, and this guy treats you like a worn shoe that has no use. People only treat us as we allow them to. The more you ask him to work out with you and the like, the more he will pull away from you. He is sending a message loud and clear that he neither loves or respects you. Go to the gym at a different time, so you don't keep putting yourself through this suffering. If you have to live under the same roof, as I do, live separately, as much as possible. Put distance between you and him. It is over, and you know it, but you keep living in hope. It's natural, but futile, and you are losing precious days of your life on someone who does not want you in his.<br />
Please take a look at my story: " Dedicated to Those With a Broken Heart," or something like that...I can never remember the title of my own stories. I think it may help you see the light, and you will have a better understanding of what is going on and why, and what you can do about it. Take care, dear.

I will read your story, based on your comment I know it will be extremely helpful. I do try to live a separate life but everything seems to run into each other. As for the gym, sad to say to only way for me to work out without him around is for me to go somewhere else. He practically lives at the gym - afterall, it's the best pick-up joint in town. I wanted to thank you for your response. strength in numbers.