How is it possible that 5 days ago you were holding me like I was all you wanted and today you were talking to me as if I were nothing more than a friend, telling about a date you have in a few days with a girl you've "had a thing with?" I know we weren't together, but we both admitted there were feelings and we definitely acted on them. What happened? All those nights just talking for hours, opening up and telling each other things we had never told anyone else before, was any of it true? Was this all a plan? Some sort of twisted game for your enjoyment? You got what you wanted and now you're through, while I'm left to pick up the pieces of a shattered and confused heart that wasn't entirely together to begin with. It was weak. It had been through a lot, and it opened up to you and told you why it wasn't as strong as it should be. You took advantage of that. You saw those weak points as targets, not something to help heal and make stronger like you should have.
I've been through my own sort of hell in the past, and I hadn't shared the details with anyone before you. From being an innocent 3rd grader faced with sexual assault to the 12 year old who found her cancer-patient mom dying on the floor, I told you those intimate details. I still had a wall up, I know that because I didn't cry when I told you. I was still partially guarded, which at first I was upset about but I'm now thankful for. When I told you about being teased and ridiculed during high school and almost skipping my graduation you told me you thought I was strong for getting through everything without letting others affect my choices. Where did those kind words go? Where did the compassion and the care go? I thought I had found someone to help me knock down this wall I've spent so long building up. It turns out instead of taking it down I should have just been building it up higher.
I can feel my heart physically hurt; I wish it would stop. I've never allowed myself to open up to anyone before, I've always been afraid somehting would happen and I would get hurt. I was right to be afraid. I don't want to have regrets in my life, they're not something to be proud of. Neither is letting you into my heart. How can I learn to trust people again if all I ever experience is betrayl? I can't keep giving away pieces of myself, pretty soon I'll have nothing left to give.
I can't talk to anyone about it. They're all too busy telling me about their problems, it would be rude to bring my problems up when they're dealing with things themselves. It's not fair to ask them to worry about me when they have thier own things to sort through. So I hold it all in until I'm alone, then I cry. I hike to the top of a mountain and scream. I just scream. With everything I have, I scream. Then I cry. When nobody is there to watch me crumble. To see me be weak and pathetic. I have my moment to myself, that one moment to just release it and try to move on. I need that mountain top more often, it seems. More and more I think to myself how I wish I could just skip my classes or skip work or skip my multitude of responsibilities that just seem to pile up and weigh me down and just go to my mountain and have my moment. It's not a good sign. There's a lot of weakness coming through. I blame you. You and your ability to get inside my head somehow and manipulate me into thinking it's ok; it's ok to let people in, it's ok to trust someone, it's ok to be vulnerable. It's not ok. It never ends well. It never has. It never will.
JustCantUnderstand JustCantUnderstand
1 Response May 15, 2012

I am so sorry for the pain you have endured. I recommend you read "From Codependent To God Dependent" I am sure it will help you on your path to inner healing. God Bless....