After Nine Long Months I Can't Move On

It's been nine very long months, since I have heard from someone I absolutely adored and worshiped the ground he walked on. I believed this person was my soul mate. To start of with, my partner was a gay closeted firefighter with two kids. When we first met no-one knew he was gay and when they would come around we would have to keep it hush hush, after many years he came out to immediate family which i believed never really accepted this, I am 31 and he being 61 so there was a bit of an age gap. David was a loyal, Caring and affectionate man who was a person I inspired to be like.

A bit over Nine months ago David had a stroke and had to go into hospital, I took a week off work to take care of him, his daughter constantly would send me nasty text messages and make nasty phone calls to me. Eventually after a month he got out of hospital and a week later his son died, his family would not let me near him. I wanted to be close to his side comforting him, I then spoke to his daughter telling me that he does not want to speak to me again, I was never his partner and he may contact me in the future.

I then got deleted from his facebook a few days later, the daughter asked for the keys to his house back I was totally destroyed.

Nine months down the track and I am still looking for answers. I am never happy, I have been extremely unwell for a long period of time now and I contemplated suicide many times and sunk into deep depression. Songs i listen to, places I go, everything in general reminds me of him. Every night before I go to bed i think about him and not a single hour of the day I don't think of him. I have cried myself to sleep at least 6 months and I really don't know how to move forward. I want to be my happy self again and I know I deserve better than this. I know I cant be the only person feeling this way :(( Wish the pain would stop and it's been a very long 9 months.
Paulie1980 Paulie1980
31-35, M
May 25, 2012