Something's Missing

I was abused when I was a kid.  I wish I could say that I've gotten over it, that I've moved on with my life.  Its been 13 years now since my step-dad was arrested and stopped being part of my life.  I'm 25 now and should be able to stop feeling like I'm constantly being evaluated for my worth.  But I don't.  I let my step-dad be a mental judge of everything I do.  I let myself drag my self worth down to nothing.  I wish I was a better person.  More confident and secure.
datablue datablue
22-25, F
9 Responses Dec 17, 2006

find a new, gentle, loving, approving inner voice. When you 'feel' it's your step dad's voice mentally judging you, remember 'it' is no one's place to judge another. You are not even to judge yourself; that job belongs to God. Jesus himself said he was here on earth to redeem not to condemn. Do not condemn yourself when even Jesus would not. :)

I've had a similar situation happen to me. I am having some issues getting over things and moving on. I really want to be a good and better person...but I am just getting more bitter as time goes on. It's gotten to the point where noone even wants to be around me anymore. So now I just have a bad depression because I need someone and have noone. I feel so hurt and lonely. I don't let anyone in because I have trust issues after everything that I have been through. People say I should see a psephologist but I have no money. I am just so depressed and holding onto the past just makes it all worse....but I know what you are going's hard to let go

it takes time i too was in a similiar situation myself now am 27. im not sure how to get back the self worth and confidence as im still working on it but i find if i focuss on stuff all the time i dont think about it, and if i surround myself with ppl that have value for me i learn it. i also received alot of massages wich help with therapy. i recommend them to relieve extra emotions.

do not think we ever get over abuse<br />
<br />
and many want to try and make us feel we were at fault

OMFG I know exactly how you feel!! My brother would do this to me, especially during our teenager years. I still feel like I am constantly having to put on a show, in hopes of getting his approval. My brother is still a part of my life, but the emotional abuse he put me through has ceased since then... but that doesn't mean the pain still isn't there. <br />
I still feel like I should be over the stuff he put me through. Always having to try to reach impossible expectations, to not be ashamed.... I would have given my life just to have him acknowledge my presence once when we were in school together. I put too much faith in his standards as a substitute for my own, because according to him, I was so "stupid". And I believed him. He was my older brother. I thought he knew more than me, and I invested too much in his evaluation of me. He acted as though he was ashamed to be associated with me, so I should be ashamed of myself. And I believed that. For years. These thoughts led only to bad relationships. I wish I could just get on with it, but there is so much I wish I could say to him.... I looked up to him, and he only let me down.

I was raped at 16 and from there on I buried the secret which led to unproductive relationships because I thought I was worthlesss. People keep saying to let it go but some times people don't know how. The process is to visually revisit those memories and to actually feel the pain and to let the person you want to love know about it. It is hard but by doing so you will get that pain out of you and your mind will be able to let it go instead of it either replaying in your mind or it being hidden way deep in your mind till it surprises you when you are in a relationship with someone who you truly love and want to open up to. It didn't out as I wanted with the person I ever wanted to open up to for the first time but love sucks like that sometimes.

Hi - I completely understand. As a survivor of almost two decades of abuse, I can totally relate. Etesian is right, you never truly "get over it", you only learn to deal with it better. Something to be proud of/thankful for : we, ( adult survivors of childhood abuse ), are the lucky ones; we survived. A lot of us didn't. We are here to write, and "tell the tale", because we are survivors; the victims have no voice. They didn't make it. They became "statistics".

Hi Datablue and Lschu,<br />
<br />
I completely relate to what you're going through. While there isn't any escaping what's happened, maybe we could try to see each other through it. I've read a lot of books on PTSD (victims of child-abuse). So, they haven't changed my life (yet) but they've given me some perspective. It's an intense and devestating thing to "just get over." It left a mark. <br />
While it is a vicious cycle, I have to believe we can break it. I don't know how, but maybe we can figure out something together. I started a group about recovering from the effects of child-abuse-you guys wanna join?

I feel the same way. It never goes away. I don't understand why life has to be like this for so many people. Hell is for children-Pat Benetar. It's true. We pay the consiquences for their actions with a low quality of life that is directly related to what our parents taught us. Low self esteem, low income, low on food-it's the legacy abusive parents give to their children and there's no out running it.