Losing My Sanity & My Heart Has Never Recovered

I think the worst part of my situation is I am that rational person usually. I know whats not "right" Or "fair" And I know what I should do usually. And I know and can agree with advice given. Im usually the one giving it. But I just feel stuck in a messed up circle where a situation I just can not get out of.

I can't talk to my friends they either do not care, or just do not understand. Or do not know what to say. Sometimes its just nice for someone to listen and be there. I dont feel like I have anyone like that anymore. So many friends have changed, since becoming either single or in a relationship.

I just feel broken...... Im stuck forever in a life with my ex-boyfriend whom is the father of our 3 year old (and only child). And Its the worst thing ever not being able to get space, and move on. I feel like any time I try to move on He pulls me back in just enough to make my heart hope, and my mind race with 'what if's.'

My ex constantly fights with me over nothing and everything. He will go weeks without talking to me or giving me the silent treatment, Or the short rude text messages of " k, yup, sure" Or nothing at all...

One week hes not talking to me the next week somehow he is talking about how much he wants to sleep with me and how he doesnt use me for sex.... I know its not true. I dont get how it can be. I know hes taking someone out to dinner, and "disappears" on his days off from work, then talks as if he didnt just vanish for 1-3 days mid conversation.

We can talk about our son, some days hes not interested in what i have to say just because its coming from me and by talk I mean text..... he rarely calls even to discuss our child... But says "you never talk to me",

My mind is in a million places so this may go back and forth... I am sorry.... If you can keep up please do....

We've tried to be friends, then somehow sex happens..... then he starts acting like he likes likes me, says he misses me loves me, ect then after a month or three weeks i think WOW this is the man i fell in love with, He changes again, He becomes secretive, quiet, adn the minute i ask if hes seeing someone He stops talking to me and throws in my face how whats it to me were not dating anyways..... After agreeing if we were intimate we would be honest with each other if we were going to be with someone else as well..... I know he has bee I saw text messages and naked pictures of other girls and I mean multiple while he slept............ He'd always cheated on me while i was pregnant, well he was out on dates with an 18 yr old he was 23........... Yah... nice..

Anyways, to say its not beyond him it isnt because he has never been faithful to anyone he has dated. So When I asked I just wanted honesty thinking well were not together he can be honest finally..... Guess not, I was met with attacks, silent treatment and finally told, He has had enough of me and we will never be friends and he will never touch me agian.. Well that didnt last, but the silent treatment and disappearing happens more. With no explaination.
Im tired of being okay to have sex with but not treated like a freind........

Whenever i try to be friends it back fires he accuses me of being rude and mean and un interested. I feel like he constantly wants me to be in love with him and all over him, and telling him how much i want or love him but never actually wanting or willing to be with me... So why does it matter. Why cant we just have a normal conversation? Why is it sexual Or just about our son, or nothing... And the moment things get normal.... As in conversation He just disappears..... Its so frustrating. This has been going on since january. he stopped tlaking for a while when he started dating someone new who was a total ***** to me and had him ignoring our son and me even when I Did contact him solely about our child.

I feel like If I stop talking he gets mad, If i get sexual He likes it but seems disinterested, If I DONT want sex he gets pissed off and throws a temper tantrum. If i just want to talk about work, life, friends, he ignores me. Its like No matter what I do he wants nothing to do with me or us. And i just mostly want to get along...... i want to be friends, I cant deal with this more then friends but not actually dating crap.... But not good enough to be his friend JUST because he doesnt want to be accused or called out when he dates or sleeps with someone else. If he could just be honest I would get over it and i wouldnt even fight, I just cant stand being lied too... God It hurts so much. And I cant get away, even wheni want too I have to figure out thigns about our child... its so frustrating..........

I feel like no matter what I do im going to **** him off and make our relationship worst, and therefore making his relationship with our son worst (it has happened) and I cant stand him not calling and talking to our son because he is mad at me god it kills me more then anything............ when that happens that I find my self going along with even sexual texts or anything JUSt to keep him happy and some kind of relationship going. But IM losing myself I feel lost. He knows how much I love him and always will But I feel like somethign has to give and Its clearly not going to be him, I just do not know what to say too him To make him NOt get pissed off and make things worst I just cant deal with them being worst anymore. I cant. I feel like my heads going to explode.

lookingformyheart lookingformyheart
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

I am sorry you're going trhough this.
You sound like a nice caring girl, you definitely deserve better.