Nobody Knows Me

I'm fourteen, and just started my freshman year of high school. I chose my school because at the time, my boyfriend was going there and I thought I would want to be close to him. My feelings for him faded over the summer and I still feel horrible because I was his first girlfriend and I guess I broke his heart. I still see him at church every week and sometimes at school. I hardly know anyone, because all my friends from middle school went to other schools. I'm not very good at making friends. I'm very shy and I don't have very high self esteem or self confidence. I sit and eat lunch by myself every day and I can't help but wonder what people are thinking of me. I have always been the problem child in my family. My mom yells at me constantly. I feel like I can never do anything right. I try so hard to please her by doing extra stuff around the house and keeping my grades up, but she is never happy. Sometimes I hate her so much. She calls me bad words all the time, tells me I'm worthless and that I don't appreciate what I have. Yes, I have a house and clothes and food and a lot of things I don't need that a lot of other kids might not have. I would give it all away in a heartbeat just for my mom to show that she cares about me. She judges what I eat a lot lately. She makes me not want to eat. I'm really rude to her sometimes, but its mainly because I'd rather pretend I'm not hurt than show the pain I'm in. I'm so insecure. I judge myself so critically. I know some of you will probably say that all of this is just a phase, I'm just another teenager who needs to find myself. That's not how I see it. I used to have a best friend named Alex. He was always there for me and I fell in love with him pretty quickly. He moved away though, and when I had the chance to visit him; I was too nervous to go alone. I brought one of my most trusted friends, and I told her how I felt for him and she promised me she wouldn't get together with him. Well, she did. Behind my back. That summer was miserable for me. I was so broken hearted that she had chosen some guy she barely knew over me. Her and Alex still date on and off. I saw him again this summer, just me and him. We ended up kissing and he pretends it never happened. We had a falling out a few months ago and he told me he didn't need me anymore. I refused to believe him and I fought for him. He is so mean to me every time I text him. He's cussed at me, called me an attention *****, told me he doesn't care about me or need me; and he told me that I'm the reason he can't be with my friend. He's broken my heart so many times and I know he's bad for me but there is a huge part of me that will never be able to let him go. I trusted him. He promised to always be there for me and he just left. I need him so much. Everyone says just give him time and space but I know he won't think twice about never speaking to me again and I can't handle that. There is still a part of me that wants to believe that he still cares about me even a little. I have pretty much given up. I stopped trying to call him. I just want my best friend back.
BrokenInSecret BrokenInSecret
13-15, F
Dec 1, 2012