Wishing I Understood My Life

so where to start..... haha... well I'm 27 years old or close enough and life has pretty much been hell... I grew up in an abusive home (my moms boyfriends) my father suffers from Schizophrenia and hence hs never really been a part of my life I can't even remember what he looks like anymore which is a bit sad to think about now... I was shoved in and out of abusive foster homes as well starting around age 2 or 3 let's fast forward a few years from the time that I was 7 until a little after I was 9 I was raped by 3 older men about 50 different times and I.also turned out to be gay imagine that.... much to my mother's disgust as well as fear I feel so out of place within the community no matter what part I go to... so throughout life I've always felt so out of place... most days I cry because every day my heart feels like it's shattering more and more and I just don't know how much longer I can keep breathing this pain I don't have too many friends and they all have lives anyway and kids and significant others to worry about and I don't want to burden anyone with my issues but I feel like I am not going  to make it if I don't speak up my mind screams as I sit in silence just bearing it im afraid I will turn out like my father and or snap I have tried getting professional help and all they tell me is that I cope to well to really have serious mental disorders which I might idk I just wish I knew whereI fit in in my own life =/
Void86 Void86
26-30, M
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

I was looking through stories, started reading this one, and thought to myself I could have written this... Yours starts off as mine does. Im also 27, mother was emotionally absent but present- stepfather was a real jerk and my father suffered from - something undiagnosed- paranoid personalty disorder and probably a mood disorder- his life sounds a bit like yours with the extreme abuse and trauma.
I feel for you, and understand your pain, the hollowness and the emptiness you must feel.
When we grow up with parents who are unable to love us in the way we need-- to be held, soothed, cared for, appreciated, touched, loved so on... we do what we need to, even as infants and toddlers to cope with this. Ultimately - we are left with many scars.
Everything you are experiencing is normal and understandable for the things you have experienced!! and it is a shame that you have to deal with the pain that was infliced upon you!! You can prevail if you allow yourself to have some compassion for yourself, some understanding of what you went through, why you feel it and know that it is not your fault. If you can find it within yourself to love you, this will only help! of course from personal experience I know what a struggle that can be
God loves you, and always will, perhaps if you allow yourself to feel that love, you wont feel so empty :)

Thank you so much for your kind words even from a stranger these words are meaningful and compassionate and I appreciate you taking the time to reply