Beauty In the Breakdown

I'm not sure where the beauty is in my breakdown, but I'm sure it's here somewhere.

The past few months have been some of the worst moments of my life.  I'm not living.  I'm existing.  I'm regretting things I never got the chance to do, things I wasn't brave enough or strong enough or confident enough to do. 

I ****** up my comfortable, yet intimacy-free marriage by saying some really hateful words.  And for falling head over heels for a younger man who had all the right words to say to me, who stole my heart and told me he'd keep it safe with him forever.  And after my little rendezvous with him, after crying with him, not wanting to go back to my miserable life at home, hearing how much he wanted me, how much he needed...he broke my heart.  I don't blame him though, because I still desperately love him.  At least I think it's love.  And now, I'm living uncomfortably in limbo with my husband.  Lonely, sad, with brief moments of happiness.

So, for the past few months, my heart has been slowly fading into oblivion.  Slowly fading away.  Dying.  Thankfully, someone special showed up into my life at just the right time and jump started my heart.  And slowly, my EP family started duck taping my heart together.  It's not completely healed and I don't think it ever will be.  It's tattered and hurting, yet it is slowly coming back to life. 

CuriosityKitten CuriosityKitten
31-35, F
4 Responses Aug 13, 2008

TreadingWater, you are so kind and your words are beautiful. Thank you.

I think that you shouldn't regret anything that's happened, because all of it has been for a reason and will eventually lead to something better for you. To me, that is the beauty of a breakdown in life. I've felt like you do a few times before, and I always think of those times as a forest fire, burning up everything alive in my life that it comes in contact with. But, something new always emerges from the ashes that couldn't have been possible without the destruction of everything that was there before it. I'm so glad to hear that you have already begun to heal, and if you ever need anything, we're all here for you!

Thank you so much.

broken hearts never completely heal. but we are here for you. if you need to vent or just ramble i'm always here to listen.