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Broken

My mom has never really been the "motivational" person and even though I feel like I've done everything right (ie good grades, gone to college, want to be a vet), it will never be enough for her. Or for the rest of my family.  My father died when I was young and my mom's boyfriend (that she waited only a year to pick up) abused me as a kid.  It only happened once, but once was enough to make me emotionally numb the rest of my life. I only told my mom after she pissed me off one day about why I was so rude to her.  And even then, she didn't believe me (because that's obviously something an 11 year old would want to make up).  Then I meet a boyfriend that happens to be very controlling. He isn't a bad guy, he just is also very broken inside.  I believe neither of us know how to function in a relationship. He is a guilt tripper over such things as hanging out with my friends instead of him, or "making" him do things (like go to the mall) and then get pissed at me for doing it.  Most of my friends are fine and treat me well but once we all went off to school in different states, it was like my life was ripped out from under me completely unexpectedly.  I just want good for myself and my heart to stop hurting.  But I feel like (and probably always will) I can't do that without any real support system.  I have my old friends still but it's different. And I live with my boyfriend so I am kind of stuck there. I love him, I do, but sometimes it is all I can take not to cry or explode with anger and him or his family for almost no reason at all other than it feels like they think I am functionally retarded.  I'm very smart.  I just don't get it. Sweet, I'm crying again.

bruisedheart bruisedheart 18-21 8 Responses Mar 7, 2009

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Words I know would never be enough to tell you or at least comfort you on what you're going through right now. But I still hope you find strength here.. Life would not always be storms...one day your rainbow shall come.

No advise here, just relatedness and being connected. My mother made my dad go away with her nasty, terrorist self. She married a jealous mean controlling drunk. Just under a year for me. I was blessed with the added treats of if i resisted, he'd beat up one of us (usually my mother or me, for some reason he never went near my sister). Mommy did not believe me either. HUGE mess for me to deal with. . . alone. Sadly this is only one of a **** ton of "treats" I got to experience - and I wonder why I feel so messed up !! Phhht. <br />
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I may feel broken and damaged, but I also hang on the possibility that I am an extraordinary person. We all are !! Thank you for sharing !

I am there. Oh so there. Agreed, seeing a councilor may help but you need something tailored to your needs. Shot in the dark and you are probably ly one of those "I can fix it" people like me. He just needs help, he does best with me. She needs someone to vent to, I can listen. I digress. You are in a new place, try something new. Make one night a week date night. You can go out together, get closer, and see the outside of your home. And some nights just have a day where you shut off your phones, internet, etc. And enjoy being in your pajamas on the couch watching a movie. Talk to each other and both of you devise a "bucket list" per se. Work toward things you both want to learn or do. Go rock climbing, go sky diving, or whatever. This will help you guys make friends together with similar interests or realize you both are two different people and move on. <br />
I wanted to travel, I wanted to rock climb, I wanted to do everything.<br />
He wanted to play wow....<br />
We realized we both had different dreams and together neither of us could have those dreams, we moved on.<br />
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My advice: try to make it work, but don't be afraid to step up and out and be yourself. Don't let anyone or anything hold you back. Its refreshing. I promise.

tbh no one will ever understand your feelings as you do but as i read your stroy it opened my eyes to see the reason to see what youv been through dont give up you are here as me and everyone here to fight against it to fight your self dont give them the pleasure to see you broken or laughing at you when you get down bekause you are strong you are stronger than they are show them that you too can get happyness in your life the biggest reason people give up bekause at the darkest moments of their life they dont see light at the end of the tunnel but its not abt just seeing light you must make life to your self make peace with you self and others and you will reseve peace love and rich feelings im sorry abt you dad pleace take care try to not lose hope you will make it...

tbh no one will ever understand your feelings as you do but as i read your stroy it opened my eyes to see the reason to see what youv been through dont give up you are here as me and everyone here to fight against it to fight your self dont give them the pleasure to see you broken or laughing at you when you get down bekause you are strong you are stronger than they are show them that you too can get happyness in your life the biggest reason people give up bekause at the darkest moments of their life they dont see light at the end of the tunnel but its not abt just seeing light you must make life to your self make peace with you self and others and you will reseve peace love and rich feelings im sorry abt you dad pleace take care try to not lose hope you will make it...

Hi I fully understand your feelings. I write poetry about real life experiences. read my poem ... broken. I empathise. Kevin.[ Google kevin east poems]

It sounds like you have enough to deal with without having a boyfriend who is also broken inside. You have to deal with your own brokenness first. <br />
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You do need friends, and it's good that you are able to make friends, so be glad about that. I would focus on the friends and go to therapy. Therapy will really help. That and a good support system. <br />
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I am also broken inside. I dont' want to go into reasons, not even here but I know what it's like. So don't give up you can get through it.

I am sorry that you went through abuse. Did you ever go to counseling? Your BF controlling is bad. If you are unhappy with your boyfriend and won;t give you time with your friends - then dump him. You do not want it to get worse.<br />
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You will heal. The steps to healing are:<br />
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Release<br />
But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.<br />
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Refocus<br />
Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.<br />
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Receive<br />
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.<br />
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God bless you. I hope you mend soon! :-)