I Love My Wife... How Do I Trust Her Again?

I don't even know where to start. About 6 months ago or so, my told me she had found an old friend of hers on Facebook. She had told me about this guy before. They had dated a short time in highschool and shortly after graduation he just kind of fell off the face of the Earth. She was so happy she had found him, and I was happy for her. I didn't think anything of it, as we have a good relationship and I trusted her completely. Maybe about a month ago, we are hanging out at the house with friends when she gets a text that he is in town. He wants to meet her out somewhere and she ask if I'm ok with that. I told her that it made me uncomfortable, but it would be ok if he were to come hang out with the rest of us. So, he came by, and was a really cool guy. Easy to talk to and get along with. We all hang out til about 4am catching up, and he leaves. The next weekend, he's in town again and wants to stop by. My wife ask if its ok, and i tell her sure. So, he comes by, and after awhile my wife comes out and says, "Hey, I think dude and I are going to go downtown and see whats going on." After expressing how uncomfortable I was the weekend before and a time or two during the week, it completely floored me she even suggested it. I was so shocked I could only say, ok. Looking back, yeah I should have pulled it together and said no, but hindsight and all...

A bit of back story here. My wife has been married before. Their relationship crumbled because he was overbearing, controlling, and jealous. I so didn't want to be that guy, and I enjoy seeing my wife happy. She was happy she had found this friend and I did trust her, so I let her go. I regretted my decision as soon as they left. I stayed up until she got home, and he didn't follow her in. She recounted their evening, as they went downtown and nothing was going on. they drove around a bit and ended up at his parents house. This, I believe, is where my trust started crumbling. She told me they had coffee caught up and then came home. As I still had no real reason to not trust her, I chose to believe her.

Over the course of the next week or so, she started spending a lot of time on her phone, and hiding it whenever I came close. She started to feel a bit distant. One day she was texting dude and started telling me what an *** he was. Long story short, he is married too and told my wife he could communicate with her anymore. The weeks following, my wife was so emotional about the situation. I began wondering how she could spend so much emotion on him when she barely had time for me.

Well, we finally sat down and talked about it. To start, she says, "This is embarrassing, having to talk to your husband about your boyfriend. Let's face it, that's what it is." Turns out she had been friends on Facebook with him for a couple years. However, it was in the past 6 months they started sexting. Now, I'm open minded, and this didn't bother me too much. But, what else has she been hiding. I told her I could handle that, if she kept me in the loop. About the night they went out, her story didn't change. Then, over the course of the next few days, he pretty much told her to quit contacting him, and deleted her as a friend on FB. Well, in tears she comes to me, and ask if i want to know everything. I told her I did. She rehashed the sexting, and then said that she didn't tell me all that happened on the night they went out. She said it was because she didnt want me to think that dude was an *******. They got to his house and they went to his room. After a bit of talking, he made a pass and kissed her. When he broke the kiss he put her down on the bed, and then she said she stopped him. She couldn't do this because of her family and his. I'm not as hurt by this as I thought I'd be. I am more hurt by her spent emotions and time on this guy. And, I think by the fact that she has never really apologized. Her answer most of the time was, "It is what it is." I'm hurt because she hasn't considered my feelings or emotions. And I feel cheated because she's excluded me from parts of her life, and the time and effort on her part devoted to this guy rather than me.

We've talked and things have been going really well. She's been much more attentive, and seems maybe even a bit happier. So, I thought maybe we had gotten past it all. Well, our 8th anniversary was just a couple weeks ago, and not a day after I get to read a status about how someone so cool can be such a jerk now. Turns out she tried to invite him and his family to our son's bday party. He basically told her to delete his number from his phone. So, now she's pissed at him again, and god i thought we were through with this crap. Well the rest of the week goes fine, and we have a nice anniversary outing I planned on saturday night. Later the following week, I have a dream where I catch the two of them in the backyard kissing. I wake up and my mind goes into overdrive. I trust her in my heart, I love her. And while I've not even considered leaving her, my mind just wonders if she still has told me everything. I trust her enough not to go through her phone, Facebook, or emails. But this past week, when she's on the computer or on the phone, she starts to hide it from me again. I got a bit short with her and slammed a door. A minute later she comes out in tears and yells at me, "While your busy not trusting me, do you know why I've been hiding my screen from you the last week? I'm trying to find a dog to get you for our anniversary." She goes back into the room and goes to take a shower. I go in there to talk with her and tell her I'm sorry for being short and making her feel like I don't trust her. I don't want her to feel that way and I want to trust her again, so we can get past all this. She continues on saying, "I'm not talking to dude, because he won't talk to me." I wish I had thought of it then, but is that supposed to make me feel better? That's the only reason you're not talking to him?

I'm sorry this has been so long. I've just had a great deal on my mind, and needed to get it out. If anyone has any advice, or support please help me out here.
mcgrim mcgrim
36-40, M
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

MgGrim,
I was once in a very unhealthy relationship that everyone around me knew was bad. I am a good guy and the girl toyed with me like your wife is toying with you. You can love someone with all your heart but it won't change them or make them love you the same way. You can allow her to continue to walk all over you or you can stand up for yourself and have some self respect. I understand that people make mistakes, stray from a good path or fail to see their own faults but if you can see hers and she can't, there is nothing on Earth you can do (it seems like you've done MORE than any other person would do) to change what she chooses to do. You can change you and that may inspire her to change what she is doing.
You need to set some boundaries for yourself if you hope to have a healthy marriage or any self-worth. From everything you have told me you are such an empathetic person who can truly treat others as they would want to be treated. So wouldn't you want those around you to do what is best for them if you are bringing them down?? I know you love her and will do anything for her, which you have been doing, but can you love yourself as much as you love her? I want to tell you what to do but my own experiences dictate that the best way for to help someone is to empower them. You KNOW what steps you need to take to stop her from ruining you life, and maybe she will see you in a different light than she does now.