God Speaks To Me Through Different Methodswhen ever i am going through hard times and begin to pray i get messages in thought form. it feels as if i were talking to myself in my head only i know those aren't my thoughts. it just feels as if they were my own thoughts. but it's so out of nowhere and i wasn't even thinking about that so i know it's not me talking to myself. i think it's God or a guardian angel sending messages to me through my own thoughts. these messages are often very wise and offer advice exactly in what i am having trouble in.
for example earlier i was sitting quietly, with all the lights, tv, radio off. the only light coming into my room was from my window and the only noise i could hear was the rain.
i was praying for God to forgive me if i had ever been a horrible mother in one of my past lives. i strongly believe in karma. i've often thought that the reason why i have such a horrible mother is because i once was a mother like that. so i was begging God to forgive me and to cut the punishment short by blessing me with the financial means to leave my unhappy home. to escape my mother's emotional torture. i also asked to be forgiven by whom ever i once hurt in a past live. i assume it must've been my daughter so in my head i begged her for forgiveness. i didn't make excuses for my behavior at all, i was wrong, i was a pig. i apoligized to her over and over again allowing guilt to over power me in that moment. feeling truely sorry and not just saying it. i just pictured myself being in my mother's shoes. how i would feel after being prosecuted by God for hurting my own daughter. i felt like i deserve this mother i now have in my present life. i accepted that God wouldn't put me in this situation for no good reason. once i felt like i had offered my most sincere apology to the one i hurt in a previous life, i became quiet just listening to the rain.
i heard my own thought tell me "you have to forgive her" then a mental picture of my mother came to mind.
i said "i don't want to forgive her" "i just want her out of my live"
i heard "you want to be forgiven?! yet you don't want to forgive" "treat others the way you wish to be treated"
so i became still and started concentrating on the feelings of forgiveness. i took several deep breaths and told my mother in my mind that i forgave her BUT i was going to distance myself from her in this life not because i am still angry but for my own safety. i told her i must recover from the wounds you've inflickted in my selfesteem and your presence in my life doesn't allow for the healing to take place. i felt as if her spirit were telling me she understood and that she would be ok. that in heaven we would be together again, happy.
there were other conversations with "myself" but it's too much to write. i'm feeling a bit lazy;)
then i went to the living rrom to watch tv. previously i had been concerned about leaving this lovely neighborhood i grew up in. i was afraid to live in a run down building, paying bills, having to go to a laundromat to do laundry while here i have the machines in my apartment. i was just terrified of downsizing. so i was watching frasier. a episode was about to end about his brother living in a not so nice apartment and how he is considering going back to his wife because he can't take living in this run down apartment. then he changes his mind and his brother frasier said something like "this apartment is the prize you will have to pay for your freedom" i'm not sure if those were the exact words but it hit home. i felt as if God wanted me to watch that particular part as a way to tell me i would have to sacrifice living comfortably in exchange for my freedom. another thing the father said was that it wouldn't last forever. that he would only live there for a little while. i also felt like that was to me. that i wouldn't live in a run down apartment forever. but for the time being i would have too and i know why.
being in my mother's house i can't buy nice cloths for myself. they either disapear, appear with a blue (pen like) stain. or my mother kicks me out of the house picks a fight out of nowhere demands money from me. she gets VERY angry if i ever buy something for myself despite it being with my own money. i am afraid of buying anything for myself because i know the consequences me walking in my house with shopping bags will have. i would be gambleling with me having a roof over my head the day i buy nice things for myself.
needless to say i look like a bum! i have very little cloths and non are nice enough to go out to like a bar or club or even a nice restaurant. alls i have is what she buys for me which is often shirts for preteens. it's as if she is trying to keep me a little girl forever. so i don't really have time to meet anyone nice or go out and make friends. when ever i go out she gives me the third degree, even if i do my hair she'll give me dirty looks. i'm afraid of fixing myself up because i know how angry it'll get her. she often looks at my body and i just don't like it. i don't know how to interpret her looking at my buns. once she accussed me of getting butt injections to make my buns bigger. now she just looks. i dunno what to think sometimes.
yesterday i was in the living room watching a spanish soap opera. a young girl was crying her mother walks in to console her and the first words out of my mom's mouth was "but the mother looks way better than the daughter" "she even looks younger than the daughter"
now keep in mind this is a tv show with actors. meaning it's not real. but she just loves to insinuate that mothers look better than their daughters. she always sais it and never lets a chance to say it pass her by. and the mother in the soap opera did NOT looke younger than the daughter. she was pretty but not better or younger. i grabbed my things and left the house without saying a word. i saw that she wanted to drain me by being the energy vampire she is. so i left.
now i am working on getting out of here and moving into my own apartment. i realize my choices. 1) stay on this treadmill forever or 2) leave, take a chance into the unknown. option one makes me want to commit suicide. i know nothing is going to change. option 2 makes me excited. makes me want to live. so i've decided to take a chance into the unknown. i will be scared but with my faith i will be better than here. i'll be able to buy myself nice cloths! fix myself up. not feel uncomfortable in my own home. i will be at peace. i plan to welcome 2013 in a new, different yet positive way. i feel for the first time i will be able to have freedom. i think God opened my eyes to my options. before i was a blind little girl tripping over the same rock over and over again. now i am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's only the beginning. prayer is stronger than we think. God really does listen and knows when we are truely sorry. i'll be ok.