Will It Ever Change?

(Sorry if there are language/spelling mistakes in my post - English is not my mother tongue)

I feel really embarrassed writing this, at times I think I'm going crazy and have been for a very long time.

I have it all figured out for the outside world: I'm a university graduate, have a job as a teacher (a job I love), am married to this incredible man and together we have a beautiful 2-year-old son, we have a house, no financial problems, a loving family...

But still, something is missing and it has been for so long.  I'm getting more and more confused and unhappy about my life and this makes me create a kind of fantasy world for myself in which I can escape.  The thing is, I would like this fantasy world to become real and it makes me really depressed to realize that this is just not possible.

I'm getting more and more introverted and I feel I'm drawing away from the people I really love.

I don't always have these feelings, they mainly start when I've been to a rock concert AND when I have too much time on my hands.  I think it's because then I get confronted with the exciting life I used to dream of when I was a teenager (I didn't want to be a rockstar, however).  It just hits me that my life is totally different now than I had imagined.  And then I withdraw in my fantasy world... and here's the really embarrassing part: in this world I always imagine I'm a rockstar's girlfriend or wife, the only woman they care for, amongst all of the willing fans and groupies.  Throughout the years I've developed crushes on several singers/guitar players.  I always think that life would be better and that I'd be much happier if this dream came true.

I'm a fairly rational-minded person, and I know that this is all fantasy and wishful thinking, but still I can't seem to shake it off. 

I'm in therapy now (I've been taking prozac for years too) and my therapist says things need to change, or I'm not going to be okay.  She doesn't know about the rockstar crushes, though...  I'm too embarrassed to tell her.

She's trying to get me to write poetry, stories, even a book, because that's what I used to do as a teenager and she feels it might be good if I used this as a way to cope with everything.  But then I immediately start dreaming of a career as a successful writer, which will enable me to maybe meet rockstars or other famous people.  I start hoping for admiration, love and respect from practically the entire world and especially from the people I respect and admire.

All this makes me feel as if I'm truly insane and still an idolizing teenager at heart.

It makes me feel really unhappy...

KittyKatty KittyKatty
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 3, 2010

Yep, that's how I feel exactly. Never happy in the present, always longing for the past (although, when actually living that past, I found it quite unsatisfying as well), or the future (when all my dreams and hopes will have come true).<br />
I know what you mean when you say you're easily bored and always restless: same here. Always looking for the next thing, always thinking that somewhere else, some other time, things will be better. But how do I get there?<br />
<br />
My therapist says I haven't found my 'life recipe' yet, but that I should start looking now, or I'll never be truly happy.<br />
<br />
Anyway, thanks for sharing.