I Feel Crippled, Unproductive And Miserable.

Tell me, how does one function in a reality of which they utterly despise? I wake up everyday, miserable, cranky...I know the source of my discomfort. I am forced to acknowledge it everyday, with a smile. When your life crumbles before you, and you feel like you have no hands to pick up the pieces, the thought can be overwhelming.

I live with my parents. I am twenty years of age. I work and support myself. Yet, I am still restricted and burdened with unnecessary responsibilities. I picture a reality other than my own. One where I can wake up, with a smile on my face. One where I can hang with whomever I choose to hang with. A life that grants me freedom and happiness.

I want to attend dance classes, get involved in community service, join a vocal group....without judgment from my parents, the ones who should be supporting me in my endeavors, not questioning my every intention and attempt to assume independence and invite joy into my life. 

There must be a way to function....There must be a light somewhere shining, exposing the path of good choices and productivity to my weary eyes. I want to be able to function within the dynamics of this complex family system. To uphold my own, to stand for what I believe is right for me, not what they believe. At the end of the day, if I succumb to their every wish, I will be the one subject to unhappiness. No, it is not rebellion, it is not the signs of a disobedient child. It is the sign of a young individual, taking control of her life. I am not ungrateful, I am not turning against 20 years of seemingly fruitful instruction. I just feel as though, it is my time now.

If I am to succeed, I must overcome the doubtful and angry spirits that I allow to take captive the well being of my mind. I have the basic tools, a source of income, and an eternal drive to become a better person. Now, I must combine these tools in the manufacturing of a highly productive, happy and vibrant being. I need to start saving for a car, I need to get my license, I must continue my college career and complete my bachelor's degree in Biology. I have to...force myself  into mobility, force my thoughts into actions, force my worrisome temperament, into one of laughter, resilience and flexibility.

Overall, I want to be rid of the fears that I face everyday in my own family, in my own head...to overcome this, and to step out, into the fast pace, thrilling world, would be my greatest dream yet, and, my greatest joy. 
wonlife wonlife
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 31, 2010

good luck, i hope it works out for you