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Lost Interest In Life

Well for the start I'd like to say that it's not like I started feeling dead inside just recently because of some kind of event. I don't think I even remember when I began to feel like this. I was always told since I was a child that I was a weird kid but I didn't mind that. I remember myself being more social than I am now but it's like those memories are not even mine because I am a completely different person. Through my entire life I only had two good friends and I never had any urge to find any new friends. In my last five years I didn't any proper friends, I never looked for them, I never needed any. I've never fell in love or had a girlfriend. In other words I feel like I don't have any social life. Well after living this kind of life I had to "adapt" and keep everything inside. That made me to "create" a personality which I used to act normal among others and somehow move forward in life. So after living that kind of life I found the only way to keep myself sane by listening to music. Anywhere I go I have my mp3 player with headphones in my pocket, it became like a part of my life that can't be replaced. Apart from all that I don't enjoy my life at all, I just try to move forward as much as I can. Like most depressed people I was thinking about suicide but I'm just such a coward, I always chickened out no matter how many times I tried to come close to it. After so many years I finally feel like it's possible to do something about this. I'm not even sure if I'm waiting for some kind of answer but I just wanted to push these feelings out.

After reading all this it might not make any sense but I just wrote the way I feel.

NotSoSpecial NotSoSpecial 18-21, M 8 Responses May 13, 2009

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No matters how much you smile or trying your hardest to have fun with other, deep inside it felt like you are faking yourself. (the most worse case was when doing university's group assigment. To much talk and no progress, I'm bored to death by putting a face. Self reminder; next time ditch the girls quickly =..=) Somehow I need to adapt that situation.

"Fell ashamed when you give up without really trying". But me, "Tired of trying my best for almost my whole life". Cuz of that, at some point I can see what kind of person stood in front of me. Yes, most people focused on themselves only, and unintentionally I notice to much about their intention. Often I found myself surrounded by narcissist and machiavellian (it more like I'm magnet to them). Yup, don't expect to please the narcissist. Just listen and smile. Spoke tactly only when needed. Some people try to be tall by cutting of the head of other. I'm too tired of it. Wish I could sleep longer without worrying about other things.

Some says it is a symptoms of stress. So I try extreme sports. Motocross, car races, paint ball and even sailing. Still not helping. Even rollercoaster barely make me trill. Listen to music will only make me forget about the world for a while. (need to change the song often cuz it get numb when repeating it to much) I love to cook. well I used to. Same as keeping pets. It used to cool my head. But now, nope. What next? Maybe I should get a girlfriend. But again, i'm not interested. Why bother? It's a burden.

There is a person that keeps me going. In my case, die are not an option. Cuz the person who realize that I'm putting a face or know I'm hiding something are the one that I'm scared to leave. So, the things is people who really care about you will know your fakes. Trustvme on these.

#hollyshit...I'm still trying my best =..=

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anyone who says it gets better is lying. it is all plain BS. or maybe their situations had been different, e.g. depression due to loss felt in love or some other small life issue that gets better with time. but if you are like me then time would never heal your pain, it will just swallow you from inside out. trust me it never gets better, i have been feeling like a dead corpse for more than six years now and still counting.

Death is solution. I am a coward too.

i felt the same way and although now i try to be more social and happy . that identity still lies within me;i think being in that state of mind is the worst disease ever. But i have now found love and there is now some reason for me to continue to live.

<p>i know how you feel...<br />
i know that its a great effort to be around people<br />
i know how it is to pretend you are another person <br />
a "happy" person<br />
and even more just to get out of bed<br />
i go by life some sort of like you<br />
i feel numb driving home after work<br />
i feel im just waiting to die<br />
i just wait<br />
and wait<br />
then i stop and think about life, and i find a deep sensation that there is hope, JESUS.</P>

I think what you need is a tangible goal to focus on.
Self examination: Take a step outside of the typical trains of thought that you always go down. Think possibilities!
Is there anything you've always been fascinated by, but have hesitated to ever pursue?
Not all risks are bad, although of course some are. Step outside your comfort zone. When you do that, you are in the best place to learn new things. Mistakes are learning experiences, just make sure you learn them so you don't keep making them.

Be true to yourself, don't fabricate a persona for others.
Lose awareness of the hypothetical judgments that you think others make of you.
For one, people are too focused on themselves to even notice most of the things you are thinking about.
For another, those who actually get close enough to you will realize that you are putting on a face. It complicates things. It's stressful. It's not good for long term friendships or relationships.

Confront your problems, don't hide or run from them. They will just build up, and won't ever go away, and you will know they are still there, and they will weigh down on you. Feel ashamed when you give up without *really* trying. Feel proud when things work out, and also feel proud when they don't, but gave your *best* effort.

Well, the fact that you don't have any kind of social interaction give you no motives to show interest toward anything, or anybody for that matter, personally, I think that our weakness starts when we feel lonely, like there is no one out there that cares about us, usually, that's a common reaction of our emptiness. <br />
Keeping our mind busy is key to letting flow life itself, every single one of us have an ability to perform in ones life, you mention that you like music, try to explore that field a little bit more, may be mixing music, try to challenge yourself to do something better the next day, and so for.<br />
Life keeps its interest when one start to find a reason to see another day, we can use little motives to begin this process, and build more from that grain, of food stone, sort to speak, and we'll find oneself busy, even helping others, try to assist someone you think is in need, could be a little support of any kind, including just company, or just share your music with some.<br />
I hope I was of help, I do try to find joy in my life helping other people, I hope I could be of some help for some, I got my best disposition for it. Good luck, and be good !