Ready To Give Up

I have suffered from severe depression for the past 15 - 20 years.  I have come to feel dead inside. I don’t feel joy, anger, excitement, or anything. I have no friends and am isolated. I go to work, I come home, I feel like I am doing a countdown to my own demise. I have no drive or desire for anything. If it were not for my dogs, I probably would not be here. Other than them, I simply do not care about anything. I have even considered taking them with me if I do decide to kill myself. I do not show myself to anyone, I don't trust anyone. I put on a smile, go to work, come home and sleep. I am not alive, I simply exist.  I have now lost my mother to cancer 6 weeks ago and now am really alone and on my own.  I don't trust people because all I have ever gotten from others are empty promises, hurt and rejection.  I was adopted but see myself as  "The abortion that should have happened that never happened".  I hate my so called life!!!!

AlwaysInvisible AlwaysInvisible
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 14, 2010

I feel the same way. I am not sure on how to see people tomorrow but my sorrow goes so deep. I find it hard to even put the face on. I just want to yell out I give up and burst into flames. For the sake of my ten year old son I will hold on to tomorrow but I feel with the heavy burden of heavy feelings of depression that he can see right through me and is affected by it. Great now even more guilt to twist my feelings into even feeling more in vane. Ugh why can't I just be normal? Why can't I organize like a normal mom? Why can't I take care of my husbands needs? Why do I always want to run? I should have never been born, I was always a mistake :(

I can relate to what you're going through because regarding the abortion that should have happened I feel the same. I am sorry that you have lost your mother and I hope you found a way of being able to deal with the situation, it must be very hard....but dont kill yourself....