Numb and Confused

I have bipolar 1. I am 36 yrs old. I have been off drugs and alcohol for months and it doesnt seem to get better, only worse. I can't function as a normal human being and I overwhelm everyone around me. If I am myself, noone can stand being near me for very long. I am usually high strung and I love intensely, which has pushed my boyfriend over the edge. Our relationship is destroyed. I miss him. We were supposed to live happily ever after. But, my intensity was too much for him to tolerate. He was embarrassed by me. Instead of taking up for me, he let other people put me down. His family. his workmates. Out of state friends. You name it. I even found emails between him and this guy I didn't even know where he was referring to our relationship as a messy mistake, all the while he was assuring me of eventual marriage and children (as long as I didn't tell his family, of course) Can you believe it? I'm crushed. I feel worthless and unlovable. I just want to wither up and die. I don't even know what I am doing here, writing this blog. What could it possibly do for this feeling? I guess I am just lonely.
BoomBoom BoomBoom
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 11, 2007

So many folks don';t realize the depth of despair than BP folks endure./ I am so grateful for my doctor who has taken great strides toward improving my quality of life. The biggest problem is when we are manic we dont want help and when we are at the bottom we are functioning at such a low level we hate going out etc. I wish you the best fight with your doctor for help meds can do wonders of ya get the right ones and the right amounts. No, It haSsen t gone away totally, But I have far more good than bad days now!<br />
Mood enhancers really helped me in addition to AntiDepressants.<br />
Good Luck ,<br />
Dx

Sometimes sharing does help purge the feelings of worthlessness. However, I would recommend that you turn not to others to estimate your value, but only to yourself. <br />
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Your boyfriend is obviously not worth the organic material wasted on his own existence if he cannot appreciate or help you in your distress. Clearly, if he has to retreat from your relationship because he can't "handle" you, then he is by far the weaker half of the relationship, not you.<br />
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Pride yourself in being the one who is willing to share yourself, willing to try harder, to give yourself another shot...it probably is because deep down you recognize your own inner strength, and in spite of your weaknesses you are willing to wake up each day and fight.<br />
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It is a beautiful notion, and true human spirit. Don't let it depress you...you show elements of the greatness in us all. All you need to do is fight another day for your right to be beautiful.

Talking to people who listen and understand or have empathy, will make you feel better and less lonely. It's good to have someone who listens and can lend some words of comfort. I have only been on ep a couple of days. I found it by accident. I am a depressed and lonely being so I googled suicide and it led me here, and simplysarah responded to my blog about my Grandpa killing himself a year ago and also how I was feeling about myself, it really made me feel better. Have you looked online for support groups for other bipolar sufferer's? That might help you. Never give up hope, it is always out there. Your friend J