Today Was Hard
I came back from the gym feeling really depressed. I was sitting in the whirlpool and some guys who knew each other met there and started talking. They were pretty decent people, as far as I could tell. They soon started talking about what's going on in the world. Another man, astranger joined in with some information about the dollar and oil and so forth. Well I consider myself to be pretty intelligent and up on world affairs and was delighted that there was a neat discussion going on a few feet from me. I desperately wanted to join in. I never get to meet other people, especially those who can speak about important things. At work you have to keep things pretty work related and PC.
I listened as hard as I could above the sound of the water jets, and I quickly saw my opportunity to add a comment and spoke up but my voice was weak and barely heard. I blerted out a quick “Wow, that’s incredible.” And tried to add my own thoughts but I was ignored and they moved on the conversation. It wasn’t an obvious, rude blow off but more of a ‘You’re simply invisible to us’ kind of glance. I listened to their conversation and tried again and couldn’t say anything more than “Huh, really?” one guy acknowledged me and explained his POV for a few seconds but the other guy said “You know what’s really going on is…” and quickly changed the subject again. And again I was out of the conversation.
This may sound stupid, but the thing that was depressing for me is that there was a cool conversation going on but I didn’t know any good details of the subject of oil and the dollar so I couldn’t add any good insight or keep up and join in. It almost seems trivial now, but I felt really hurt. It is like people talking about a subject that you like in front of you, but you can only passively watch, like it was TV. I want to be part of society! I want to meet people and share my thoughts and opinions and hear other peoples’. But I guess I am better suited to writing than having conversations. I felt really alone and alienated after that. Maybe there’s something about the way I look that makes me invisible.