From My Window

I don't know that the thought that I am losing my child is ever not in my head.  I have become a master at staying busy, keeping my mind busy in the belief that I can drown out this thought but it's always there.  My mind is only in the moment when I am with her, sitting beside her bed.  I suppose it helps in a way when other people are here. There is a great deal of conversation and sometimes a lot going on but still when the room may be filled with laughter my mind is not there.  I simply go through the motions.  There is nothing natural or normal about this.  The irony of not being able to fall asleep yet wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up.  I have no appetite. I pretend to be happy when all I want to do cry or scream.  I feel guilty that sometimes when I see a family and the children are running, playing, dancing - I feel jealous.  I look at them and think this is what my child deserved to be able to do.  Everyone around me constantly remarks how strong I am and that they don't know how I hold up so well.  God, I must have them fooled.  If they only knew I crumble a little more every day.  I have thoughts I never dreamed I'd ever have.  I daydream about going with her when she leaves this earth.  There is no pleasure, no happiness.  So I will keep the smile on my face to make those around me not worry about me.  I don't feel like I am a part of this world anymore.  I am aware of what is going on, I can engage in it but inside I am a million miles away.  Nothing will ever be the same again.