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The Barrier Between Me and the World

Separated, floating in suspension like i am an alien on planet earth, an alien in my family; i am truly the thing dropped off by fed X.  i mean I've always heard the bible verse we are in the world but not of it, but I'm not sure this is the kind of detachment God meant. I have nothing in common with those that i love; some i can't even connect with on that deep emotional level. When bad things happen i often feel numb, feel nothing except the disquiet of no emotion, the disturbance of knowing i should feel something. 

But the disconnect goes even deeper; I've had moments where i will wake up or look up from doing something and see where i am as if seeing it for the first time. It is in that moment i feel out of sync with my body and think is this really my life; is this really my reality? Sadly it always is, and the detachment goes on i can;t seem to connect with people I've never had a best friend in my daily life, never had someone i could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to, someone who i felt safe letting them hold me... 

It's like i don't belong here born in the wrong decade the wrong era, sometimes i think the wrong planet;  i feel like I'm meant to do all these things but the harder i try the more tangled i become in mediocrity. I'm too smart for some, too dumb for others, too ambitious, lofty for some, not dedicated enough for others. I'm too emotional for some too cold for others, not normal enough for some boring to others. 

Always feeling lost; like i know myself, know my dreams but they don't fit in this world, they don't fit with any people or person. No matter what i say no one hears, no one gets it 

Me the incredibly lonely and discounted body, mind, soul and emotions all out of sync with the world       

tulick tulick 31-35, F 35 Responses May 27, 2008

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what does self esteem belief in myself have to do with anything I wrote?

No you are here for a reason, you may not know what reason, but we are all here at the same time on earth this is where we are meant to be. Perhaps you could look at ways to help yourself raise your self esteem and belief in yourself. We all have choices, we either choose to recognize our own shortcomings and do something to fix them or we choose to ignore them, the choice is always ours to make. Hope you find peace.

I agree with you friend. It's almost as if the world is a strange backdrop that we just don't seem to fit into. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone!

I can relate

I know you wrote this a few years back, and I hope you are feeling better, but I just stumbled upon this and wanted to say thank you for writing this. It takes a huge amount of bravery to put something like this out in the open. You put words to the way I have felt all my life, something I've never been able to explain. This has helped me so much in trying to explain this to others, but also understanding there is someone out there that gets it, even more than I do. Just thank you so much.

????

You are probably a starseed from another planet. I have had many of the same feelings. Recently through meditation and intuition I have learned that I am an arcturian starseed and our time to really help humanity is coming with the upcoming ascension.

that (writing was my dream) back when i still had those

reading this brings me to tears. tears of happiness knowing that i am not alone. im not crazy. reading this feeling as if i had wrote it. i wish there was an actual answer.. to me i feel more connected to my spirit than most people do [the ones who dont understand me] and thats the reason i give myself as to why i feel so disconected. almost as if we are on a higher spiritual level.. if you are spirtual at all [ not the religious spirtual] i have started getting into meditation which has actually really helped open my eyes and given me a better undersanding as to who i am. a way for self relief. glad im not the only one with these feelings. btw. you should be a writer, its beautiful.

I have felt this way, all my life, and i am nearly 50. A really good series of books to read are the one's starting with The Four Agreements, by Don Luis Miguel (I think that's his whole name). the series explores how "each of us see the world in our own completely individual light" how the people in our lives are "secondary players' in our story, as we are in theirs. You would be surprised to know how many other people feel horribly disconnected too, most of them just won't bring it to life with words. Also, I have since discovered I like to be alone most times, it just feels more comfortable that way, although i do love people collectively...I just get tired of the drama that goes along with interacting.

You are not alone. Just read the comments on your post. At least you are honest, and that is the first step to getting connected with the author of life. Ever since Adam and Eve sinned, we inherited their sinful nature. When reached the age of accountability, knowing what is good and what is right, we started to sin. We were disconnected from the source of life. But God loved His creation. He did not want man to perish. He had a plan! He knew what Satan was up to, but God with His love and wonderful grace has revealed His plan for the redemption of man through the prophets. This is the purpose of the Old Testament book, to tell us how much God loved us. He showed through the Old Testament history that if the people rebel against Him, they are punished, but if they repent, they are blessed.<br />
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Jesus is the fulfillment of all the prophecies in the Old Testament. He gave His life so that through His death, burial and resurrection, those who beliee in Him shall have everlasting life. This is the meaning of the Gospel: that Jesus died for us, He was buried for us and was Resurrected for us. Therefore we need to have faith that Jesus is the Son of God, we need to die to our sins by repentance, we need to be buried with Jesus Christ in baptism (to bury our old self), and we will be resurrected to a life. The sc<x>ripture further states (Acts 2:38), that we are forgiven of our sins and we will receive the Holy Spirit. This is when we reconciled or re-connected with God. We will have a life with Jesus, and as we fellowship with our brothers and sisters who obeyed the Gospel, we will have a purpose-driven life. Please visit www.tobechristian.org for more on the Gospel.

You are not alone. Just read the comments on your post. At least you are honest, and that is the first step to getting connected with the author of life. Ever since Adam and Eve sinned, we inherited their sinful nature. When reached the age of accountability, knowing what is good and what is right, we started to sin. We were disconnected from the source of life. But God loved His creation. He did not want man to perish. He had a plan! He knew what Satan was up to, but God with His love and wonderful grace has revealed His plan for the redemption of man through the prophets. This is the purpose of the Old Testament book, to tell us how much God loved us. He showed through the Old Testament history that if the people rebel against Him, they are punished, but if they repent, they are blessed.<br />
<br />
Jesus is the fulfillment of all the prophecies in the Old Testament. He gave His life so that through His death, burial and resurrection, those who beliee in Him shall have everlasting life. This is the meaning of the Gospel: that Jesus died for us, He was buried for us and was Resurrected for us. Therefore we need to have faith that Jesus is the Son of God, we need to die to our sins by repentance, we need to be buried with Jesus Christ in baptism (to bury our old self), and we will be resurrected to a life. The sc<x>ripture further states (Acts 2:38), that we are forgiven of our sins and we will receive the Holy Spirit. This is when we reconciled or re-connected with God. We will have a life with Jesus, and as we fellowship with our brothers and sisters who obeyed the Gospel, we will have a purpose-driven life. Please visit www.tobechristian.org for more on the Gospel.

I have seen a lot of myself in your comments. I do not struggle interacting with people i jut feel like i am putting on an act that i don't enjoy doing. Sometimes i interact to make that person happy not necessarily because i get anything out of it. The truth is I could spend days/weeks on my own in my.<br />
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I have been told that i am a relaxed individual who never appears to get annoyed. I just don't see the point expressing an emotion that i feel will do nothing but show my vulnerability and add to my social awkwardness.<br />
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I have made many friends in my life so far but none that i have stuck around with for too long. Its feel likes people around me are brainwashed by the world and when that creeps into their being i don't know that person anymore. <br />
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I am struggling to stay motivated now days and just feel like i am going through the motions but not really caring about the end results. I often feel like the world is a place that has nothing to offer me and i it. Its almost like i was not suppose to be here.<br />
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The frustrating and scary thing for me is that i see a lot of bad and unnecessary thing happening in the world and no one seems to even acknowledge it almost like they are blinded. I think this is why i have lost a lot of drive because what society wants seem so trivial in comparison to the bigger picture.<br />
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I have always been interested in self help books/tapes but found them either to be misleading, bullshit of just not for me. I have look for guidance but have hit a wall, normally i can climb over it but nowadays it seems i just want to stay in my hole.<br />
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Understanding the problem sometimes just reinforces it, how can you fix what you no longer care to much about?

the Author and you(maryjane069 ) took the word right out of my mouth, heart and mind. There are times when i want to scream and shout and cry but there is nothing within. Sometimes i would love to think is just me being young(22) and fining myself, However, its been too long its its a phase. Whenever I being to tell someone whats happening with me before things get too bad, they hear nothing I said, they turn the situation onto themselves; never giving "me" help. I dont know if its because I'm hardly ever so open, but I just try to tell anyone but I know that they dont care to listen I just want to get it out. When I think on who I can really talk to, I always come to the same conclusion, there's no one. And when thing start to show outwards, maybe they see it as sadness, but I really have nothing that im feeling inside: by then Im already completely closed off. What really broke my heart, is when I tried to tell a friend, because iI had so much bottled in, all they told me was I dont want to hear right now, I have my own problems. I always thought that a friend is there no matter what, because I surely am. No matter how I feel, I will listen, I will be there no matter what; and for whatever reason(subconsciously) I will but myself in your situation to better understand where you're coming, sympathizing and empathizing with them, but I never see that for me. BUt back to my friend, right then at that moment I felt truely alone or at least reminded me of it. I had to go home, I just cried myself to sleep that night. Im always picking myself up, trying to make myself happy, when I dont even know what makes me happy, I dont know if it was because I never gave myself the time to find my happiness because I was too worried with helping people or what. However, when I dont feel this emptiness, I am always reminded quickly of that my happiness will never be long lasting. Its just Im so tired of always picking myself up, and faking a smile for everyone, or being in denial to my true and seemingly only emotion, emptiness. I know I obsess other things to get my mind off it, when truely I dont even care about it. I know that I dont have a single want out of this world but to find myself even im standing, sitting rather, right here. I understand myself myself and how I am, but I have not a single clue what would make me happy; I have no passion, no drive, no ambition, and Im running out of my human will for life, not suicidal I want to live to live and see what can become of my life, I just no longer have the basic energy to even focus, walk to class, to eat, to care about anyone(i still love them I just dont care about anything about them). Because I see how people treat me, they are only around me to get what they want and when they're done just throw me away like last Sundays news paper. My heart feels so damn heavy when I think on things, it becomes too unbearable, I close myself off from the world(school and work and then im back in my room), however, the world keeps moving, doesnt even skip a beat, and no one notices im gone. Thats what hurts me, that basic human thought, when I die will anyone even miss me, did anyone even really care about me other than me...?

exactly. the "interest" isn't there, at least for me, because it all seems...primal. I simply don't see the point in spending time small-talking, gossiping, and doing other social things that to me seem pointless (my sex drive is about the only reason i have any "fantasy" to socialize). I'd rather spend time alone learning and exploring my consciousness. In some ways I can identify with Schizoid Personality "Disorder". I enjoy being alone. Anyway, after years of being VERY depressed, I'm proud to say I've found peace with who I am and somehow have become un-depressed. I wish I could explain how I've come to this point, but really I think the personal/spiritual path that leads one to a state of harmony is unique for every person. <br />
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One of the most important things to remember, at least in my experiences is that ultimately, we'll be back to the state as we were before our births. That to me is freeing. The normal connected people of this world are living like their worlds are real, but it is really only a program developed through being enculturated into society when we were younger. Us disconnects have the ability to find a connection with a deeper reality, I think, whatever that may be for each of us.

if only that were actually possible

You may want to look at your present condition as a blessing of sorts instead of a disorder. There are elements of it, like being circumspect, or being able to detach yourself from destructive social behaviour, that may give you a healthy perspective on many issues. You are likely to look more deeply into any existential problem.<br />
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I think that you need to push yourself into the world more, with all the awkwardness that may involve, and not be afraid to express your views without being condescending, cruel or haughty. That being said, you will be perceived this way because of the originality of your insight at times, but that is what others think. You know you are sensitive and kind. Cut yourself some slack because nobody is perfect.<br />
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Reconnecting with people is important because it will allow people to see you. They may not understand you entirely, but nobody is ever understood entirely. I guess I am condoning a more action less thought solution. My therapist told me to put a dial on my tendency to analyze social situations -turning it down when I am in a social context. A friend of mine suggested that I try acting or assuming different parts. Another sugggested looking at life as entertainment. <br />
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The position you occupy may be a response to a traumatic event, so you may need to remind yourself when with people that you are capable of taking care of yourself now. There is no easy way to forge a connection.<br />
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Sometimes you can prepare yourself for social situations by psyching yourself up, saying that today, for instance, I am going to greet everyone at the family dinner and ask them about how they are doing. Try taking the focus off of yourself and placing it on others. That works sometimes. Change is exhilarating and invigorating. <br />
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By posting here you have made many people who feel the same, like myself, feel accompanied. You are not alone. If you read critical theory, philosophy, sociology, etc. you are likely to find kindred spirits. That you have posted here and that you seek affirmation in others also demonstrates that there is a part of you that wants out. Embrace that and trust it. <br />
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Take more of an interest in people and you will discover that your perspective will be appreciated.

Yes i suffer with a sense of disconnection from the world and other people and i wasnt really aware of it until my therapist mentioned that he found it hard to connect with me. People think i'm ignoring them but its just hard to feel on the same level sometimes. I feel for you.

read both my stories in i am a victim and not the least bit ashamed of it and i mean BOTH of them

You feel enraged about your situation. That is good. if you were totally disconnected wouldn't you feel nothing? What thing makes you feel angry...your situation or the way people react towards you for example?<br />
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I am with you on the disconnection though. I feel like I am buried alive with a small channel for seeing the world based on others perceptions, so I can have some interaction. I like people, the world. I just can't connect to them in any way. <br />
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I hope you are doing OK.

it sucks to be that way

this describes me and i feel so... lost, disconnected, depressed.

what?

you ever thought it was derealization? look it up and see if it fits you, i suffer from it

would love to but dial up and streaming video lets just say dinosours would reapear before i ever saw the thing <br />
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sorry

i just found this video typing " fear is death of life. life is death of fear." in the search engine.<br />
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please all watch!<br />
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmRsKFAVq40<br />
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love will set us free!

huh? you lost me with those last couple of lines

I typed "feel disconnected from people" and found this post. its interesting to read that others also feel similar, like they are outside society, not really participating in it. at least for me that's how i feel right now. ive been depressed, and i have been isolating myself from people. my social "friends" are fleeting, that i share short moments of times with, im happy, but there is no strong bond. i see a lot of beauty in life, and im trying to stay positive that there will better days. but this depression really blinds. oh life what are you? fear is death of life. life is death of fear.

i'm begining to wonder

Insanity is the only sane response?