There Yet Not There
I'm not really sure how to explain this one adequately. I know lots of people at the place I work, dealing with the public daily and I try to be friendly anyway it simply happens. Literally I have hundreds of what one might call acquaintances, people I work with or who work at various different places on the property and I get along pretty well with everyone. So far as work is concerned I feel I am there to get my eight or twelve hours in and be out, I do not need to create drama as plenty just happens in the course of the day any way. Conflict happens plenty throughout the day, I don't need to create enemies and generate more chaos so I do my best to deal with everyone even if I don't agree with them. I have only a few I would think of as friends but thats pretty normal. Mostly its just hello and maybe chat or joke for a few minutes if time allows, after several years with the people who do stick around (high turnover at some of the places) you get to know them fairly well.
So, why the disconnect? I've almost never felt any real sense of connection to anyone, either at work or in my personal life, the more I try the more it seems like I am rubbing salt in an open wound. Its to the point where it feels like I'm missing a limb somewhere, a psychological bloody stump. Its like there is a glass wall there, sights, sounds, smells, even touch when applicable crosses it but feeling does not. Not sure if I'm describing it well, its almost impossible for me to put this into words. I just feel disconnected, for lack of any other way to put it.