Mental Illness Or Just Simply Content?

Picture this, you think you’re alright but in others eyes you are conceived as depressed. Let me even take it further, you’re conceived as bi-polar. You have phases of your life where you upbeat and nothing gets to you regardless of what garbage that unfolds whereas other times simply everything gets to you. So you learn how to shut down and to not care. The mood swings are there but you learned how to mimic a whole existence of not caring to the point that you actually don’t care… about anything

This rage you feel at times, because you do have emotions, is a melancholic temperate that is probably equipped to perceive and possible even more important crafted in a sense to tolerate the fundamental ambiguities of life. You feel as though the transient nature of happiness, beauty, success and health may come to shock to the upbeat person but you feel as if this is just life. People think you have more fun as bi-polar, as if regular human beings enjoy whatever dopamine they get and in that short supply, whereas you as bi-polar either have a shortage due to a birth defect of the formation of your nerve endings cannot fathom what regular human are capable of.

Capable… Are you as bi-polar capable to doing anything without it being analyzed to the bone? Personality traits will often be disregarded by others and professionals when trying to figure out ‘where’ to place you. “What kind of bi-polar are you?” Oh no, you didn’t know there where different kinds? Buckle up kiddo, you cant just be bi-polar and call it a day. Your predominantly beloved excistence will be looked upon on a microscope and valued to where it might be fit the best. We all know the thin lines between mental illnesses are every changing so why not just give you a bar code while we’re at it…

Do you feel anything: No, yes or I don’t know ? Out of these you must be pick and choose and this will determine ( not solely ) of how and where you will head for the rest of your life. Drugged down, sluggish and just plain incapable. No, these are your own words and not the professionals. Bear in mind, you don’t know you’re suffering from this because you’re in denial. Denial of what they might ask you? You existence of blackness as they refer it, this empty glasshouse they make you draw and place certain objects you remember from your childhood. No this is just an exercise you are told. What kind of exercise is this and how can this determine the outlook of your already emotionless, drained out and just unmoored life?

Are you happy? No, you’re neither happy or sad. You’re content. Content doesn’t do it, you have to have an emotion. Why? Being happy means you will eventually be sad and being sad will eventually lead to you being happy but being content means whatever happens happens. It doesn’t matter wether you go up or down the rollercoaster of life, because you will feel nothing but everything. So why bother feeling anything when it doesn’t really matter? Your doctors will take notes again and you will still be the emotionless individual you were when you came in because your 45 minutes are up and you are about to come in next week for your next evalutation on this ongoing quest to see where it all went wrong…

What if it never went wrong, what if you actually are just content?
No, it’s just not possible.
exhale90 exhale90
22-25, F
May 19, 2012