Emotional Detachment Is My Armor

I've never been very emotional, and it's never been a conscious decision.  I have watched loved ones die with few tears shed.  I have the "ability" to sever all emotional ties with someone in an instant, which is cool, I guess, when a relationship is ending, but I feel a little like a jerk when I do so.  I've never relied on anyone but myself when it comes to my "feelings".

I spent 2 and a half years in a marriage where I was rather unhappy with being married.  It wasn't any one problem that I can nail down, it's just that after a few years of being with her, I stopped loving her.  We were still decent friends and didn't really ever fight, but once the love was gone, everything she did started to annoy me; like how she would begin every sentence with "Oh, by the way".  Also, her clingyness really wore on me.  At first, it had been cute, but when the love was gone, I stopped wanting to be touched.  I never said anything, hoping that it would all just go away, and after two and a half years of faking that everything was okay, I couldn't take it anymore.

The night I told her was kind of odd for me.  I wasn't worried about telling her, I wasn't afraid, sad, happy; there was nothing.  It was like I was dead inside.  And as I sat there explaining that I was done with the while thing, she obviously got upset, and it didn't bother me at all.  She even commented that she could not believe how calm and uncaring I was.  I just shrugged.

After that, I met a girl who I enjoyed spending time with.  After a few months, she admitted to having fallen in love with me.  I liked her a lot, but wasn't sure that I loved her.  So, I fell back into old habits and told her I loved her too, thinking that maybe I did love her.  Well, things progressed, and then I started really examining the relationship.  I did not want to let her go, but then again, I doubted my feelings for her more and more as time went on.  Now, this relationship was one in which there was a physical distance separating us.  She had talked about moving sometime later in 2010.  Then, out of the blue, she tells me she won't be moving, that she doesn't ever want to move, but she loves me and only told me she wanted to move so that I wouldn't end things.  At first, I was angry.  For an hour.  Somehow, something clicked in me, and I felt nothing.  No fear of losing her, no anger at what she had done, and I was completely indifferent to her constantly telling me she loved me.  I just stopped caring, and I stopped talking to her.  Looking back, I think maybe I did love her a little, for a time.  Really, all I miss with her are the physical aspects of the relationship.

I guess I've learned to sever emotional ties to protect myself, but it makes me wonder what kind of an impact this will have when and if I really start dating again.  For now, I could care less if I'm single or if someone walked into my life today.  The more difficult thing is knowing that someone likes you and feeling nothing for them.  I don't want to come off like some cold, emotionless a-hole, even if I may be one.  I'm actually quite nice under my armor.

SpiritualFighter SpiritualFighter
26-30, M
1 Response Feb 10, 2010

I'm the same I keep feeling like I'm missing something but can't quite understand what it is. But it's not just with partners it's anyone family or friends. Maybe for a moment I feel the loss but then...nothing. Some little part must be broken?