What Is Wrong With Me....

this story refers ot a friend of mine in real life, i wish to disclose her name so to avoid confusion i will be placing " " around words like "she" and "her" to keep it private. please forgive me for my impropor grammer

today at my school a tragety has unfolded, durring fourth hour at my school one of my friends have fallen into unconchousness. since the middle of last year "she" has been diagnosed with narcolepsy, which basicly means whenever "she" is startled, scared, or even gets suprized to much by somthing or someone "she" will go out like a light and will stay that way for god knows how long. "she" is a freashmen now at my school this year and i have seen "her" pass out a few times before, and whenever i try to go in and see what i can do i am quickly warded off by a girl named christina and some of her friends with coments like 'she is fine just go' or 'thanks but its ok' and they wait for the principal or nurse to get "her".

today i had choir with "her", christina, and damond (a bass like me but aparently is "her" new boyfriend. i am not for sure because i try to stay out of relationships in my school, too confusing and too much drama) and while we were singing "she"passed out once again and christina lunges to catch "her" to make sure "she" dosnt fall out of her chair, carressing "her" neck with her hand keeping her up straight. once "she" was out some of the guys made sarcastic remarks like 'uhoooo "shes" out again!' or 'hey shes out lets look up "her" skirt!!' which drew a few chuckles amonxt themselves. i did my best to refrain from throwing my chair at them but miss yoder (choir director) told them to shut up and after a moment of silence she made uss start back up again rehercing saying "she" would like that on the acout that she hates attention being drawn to "herself". but after a minute christina called damond over and he started jumping over the rows trying to get to "her" then he dashes off to get the nurse and once he comes back he takes his place once again a chair away from me, hunched over, hands folded over his mouth, fixated on "her" and staying imobalized as if for a while he was a statue while the nurse tried to wake "her" up.

then 20 minutes till class was over i look over to damond and see him silently crying, tear after tear rolling down his face, taking perch on the tip of his nose, then falls to the ground. i say his name and the 2 other guys beside him instantly start rubbing his back telling him everything was going to be ok and he just stayed there for 10 minutes straight. and durring that time i kept looking back and forth from "her" to damond admireing how much he loves "her" to cry over "her" blacking out like this......it touched me for a minute until i felt a diffrent sensation......i sit there as i realize my admiration turns to a selfish greed and envy.

i was amazed and highly discusted with myself , unable to comprehend that i was actualy jealous of damond having feelings for "her" that i crave for, i long for. if i could i would have walk outside of my body and beat the crap out of myself for feeling so envious of his love for "her" i felt awful. it got to the point where i couldnt even look at either damond or "her" without feeling envy, i sat there until class ended and i quickly dashed out of the choir room pushing and shoving not wanting to be near them or anyone for that matter, but unfortunatly it was 2:45 and school didnt get out until later and we had achademic lab (where we basicly sit in the lunchroom of the shcool and do whatever) and i sat as far away from everybody as possible writing this story down in a notebook afraid i will forget it and while i write 3 jokers come up and start talking to me and i ask them to leave and they start trying to talk to me about going on a double date with them (me being the other guy in the double date) and i just packed up my stuff and left the table. i heard a girl apologize saying they were idiots but i didnt acknolage her, just wanting to get away from everything. all everyone talked about was how "she" passed out again and i couldnt stand it people saying she was in a coma, envy creeping out of my chest craving a relationship, my mind flashing back to christinas gental gaze at "her" as she tried to wake "her" up. i imagined for a minute she was doing that to me and i felt even more apauled once i brought myself back to the real world hating the emotions i am feeling and right when school was over i ran for the busses wanting to leave, wanting to get away. back to what i consider my safe haven, my place where all may be at peace.....my mind and my music.

i feel awful, sinful, and dirty at the mention of theise thoughts plaging the inner sanctom of my mind i feel like a bastard and dont deserve to have what emotions i have now. please comment on this, am i truly a bastard for feeling this way? for craving the love from another as damond and "her" have?.......please tell me what you think.
Shadowwalker256 Shadowwalker256
18-21, M
3 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Nothing is wrong with you at all. It is compleatly okay to feel that way as long as you don't let it control you. I've felt like that a lot before over friends and it's normal. The problem is that you keep beating yourself up over it. It's okay, try praying about it I think it would do you some good.

ok, thankyou for the suggestion

I agree with swaggdout12, you aren't a bastard at all. It isn't so good to relish in that feeling so much though. I've felt that way before as many others have. I know that you are a great guy though and it won't be long before you have someone for yourself. You know you can always come and talk to be about stuff too, 'kay? :)

ok....thanks.....im just tired about feeling so lonley here......

Your not a bastard alot of people at one point in time crave that feeling, but dont get caught up into it so much so that it will cause you to do anything terrible. One day you will have the affection you crave. sometimes it happens when we least expect it.

thankyou for your coment

your welcome