Desecration

I have wrote a bit about the volatile childhood I had. Survivor of every type of abuse there is, I am.. notice I said survivor..not victim. I don't want the pity that victim seems to illicit. I don't need it, and it won't help me. Understanding, ..empathy.. yes. Sympathy...no. Truth is, I don't think my parents really wanted to be parents. Not full time at least. It got in the way. I had demands, basic needs..and like any child.. I suppose I was a brat at times. Funny..thinking back, I remember so many people telling me as a child how I acted just like an adult. As a child, I saw that as a compliment. Seeing it as an adult, I have a different opinion of that now. Now, I see..that's not at all a compliment. The normal acts of childhood were punished out of me, by my mothers verbal/emotional abuse, or that by my father's over the top physical punishment. I was a bundle of nerves as a kid. Never wanting to **** up, for fear of suffering the wrath of one of them. (Who am I kidding.. I still am a bundle of nerves) I remember laying awake all night, worrying about report cards coming out, and the punishment that would follow. (that is, until I learned how to 'fix' my bad report cards) That's not normal..that your child is so fearful..to lose sleep..and lots of it.. of their own parents reactions.

My refuge was my grandparents home. There was no abuse there. Only kindness and love. All the things I was missing at home, I found there. All the things I was terrified of..were absent. I used to look for every opportunity to stay there as a child. Luckily, having parents that never wanted a full time responsibility of a child, played in my favor here, as I was allowed to spend so much time with my grandparents. My grandparents weren't rich. Far from it. They struggled with my grandfather's medical bills. Pretty much all of their savings was gone. They lived in a home, I would imagine, most people would scoff at. It was a tiny little log cabin in the middle of the woods. Not the luxurious, chic log cabins parked on a fantastic lake, type of log home. Think Little House On The Prairie type of log home. No running water.. heated by wood...and yes..outhouse too. It didn't matter to me. I would have lived there if I could have. It's what is on the inside, that matters..and the inside of that home was filled with love and happiness.

So, as I stated before, my grandfather had medical bills. He was very sickly when I was a child. Most of my memories of him are that of him going in and out of the hospital, or the constant oxygen tanks he was leashed to. He was frail. Heart disease ravaged the once dashing, adventurous, outdoors man he once was. He would still get up every morning though..put on his overalls..and do what he could. When it became hard for him to help cut wood, his brother in law and him welded a modified saw, to make it easier for him to help us cut wood. (he was insistent he was going to help). They bolted it to the ground, behind the house, so he wouldn't have as far to walk, to help. I realize I'm not giving a great visual here of the saw..it's because it's hard to explain... I've never saw anything before or after, like it. It had this huge rotary saw blade, encased in metal.. the saw blade would be powered by my grandfather parking his old crank start tractor near the saw, and attaching a belt from the tractor to a section of the saw, that spun around. lol..I'm **** with describing this. I just didn't want ya to think it was a chainsaw. lol It was a big old thing.. we would haul loads of wood up to that saw, and cut it into small enough sections it could be stacked and ready to be burned in the house.

One day, while my grandfather was in the hospital, my gran and I went back to her house to get a few items my Paps had asked for. Upon entering the driveway, we could see that someone had been in the yard. The house was fine. Gone though, was my grandfather's saw. Someone had miraculously been able to remove it, despite it's size, and anchoring. Kinda figured it had to be someone we knew, since not everyone would know how to use it..or that it was even there. So, if it was someone we knew..probably was someone who also knew what sort of poor health my paps was in. Maybe even knew he was in the hospital..and that it was safe for them to go about their act of thievery.

About six months later..same story. Gramps in the hospital, this time someone broke into the house. Stole a freezer full of food.

Over the years, those two incidents, I have tried reasoning, that maybe it was someone in need. Doesn't make it right, but ..if I had small children to feed and no means to do so, I would definitely do whatever means necessary to do that.

What happened over the forthcoming years though, I have never been able to reason away. Over the following years, the house had been broken into several other times. The seclusion of being on a lesser traveled road, hidden away behind the trees, offered the right amount of privacy for anyone to take their time and go through the house, garage, and sheds at their leisure. My gran would often stay with us, whilst my paps was in the hospital, because we lived closer to the hospital than he did. Being that she didn't drive, it made sense for her to stay with us. The house had been broken into time after time.. didn't matter what locks or deterrents you tried putting up. They always found a way in. We even gated the driveway. They cut down a path beside the gate, to get around it.

Some times were worse than others. Sometimes people would come in and rifle through things a bit, not really taking much. Other times, they would empty every drawer in the middle of the floor, break things..leave the door wide open when they left. You name it.

The biggest thing they did though..was they made that place that was so safe and loving to me..the one place that felt like home.. they turned it into a place I didn't know anymore. I no longer felt safe being there, for fear that maybe one day they would return, while we were there. The quiet and secluded nature of the property, now felt desolate and alone. They didn't only take material items..they robbed us of our sense of security, in our own home. My gran never really stayed there after that. My paps passed away, and gran ended up moving with us..which caused further drama and volatility to an already stressful home.

I've been doing a lot of self analyzing lately. I've come to realize that the one thing I've always needed most..is security.. and that house..was the closest thing I ever had to it. Even today. I'm not angry anymore at those people who broke in. They are opportunists. I just hope, that somewhere..they have grown to realize the gravity of their past actions, and have made a better life for themselves now.
MissBehaviour MissBehaviour
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

It was a very difficult childhood. Are you living in the US?

yes, I do, Arrow :)

I hope the US government would improve the welfare system in the US. Obama should make free National Health Service. It very sad to see people are struggling for medical care. The health cost in the US is very expensive. I am living in the UK where we must pay 12% National Insurance from our incomes for free doctor, medicine and surgery. People with long term illness don’t pay any money for the treatment.