Biding My Time

Nothing in my life is as I dreamed of as a child and now Im just a angry empty soul and clueless on what to do with my life. If you asked me what I wanted to do when I was a kid, I would of told you I wanted to be a Marine, I wanted to travel the world and experience all life has to offer and I wanted to be a firefighter not just any fire fighter tho I wanted to put out forest fires. I wanted to be that guy who jumps out of a perfectly good plane into a roaring blaze and prevent forest fires from destroying life, but when your a kid who constantly ***** up you slowly watch your dreams go up in smoke. Needless to say I never joined the military and went to prison at 18 but thats what ****-ups do...They **** up. I did a lot of stupid things as a kid, most boys do but, most of em are smart enough not to get caught.I wasn't so smart, literally I had a speech impediment and a learning disability. Yay me!! So at the age of 18 I went to prison for 3 years. Now Im not saying I'm innocent I did a lot of ****** up things as a kid but the main charge I was convicted of I never committed. I'm sure most people reading this will think thats what they all say but the difference is I'm not lying. Like I said I did **** up but not they way they accused me of and at 32 It still brings me to tears to think about it. My life was taken away from me at a young age and instead of joining the military I got a prison jump suit and 3 square meals a day. However I learned a Lot in prison and returned home a new man. A angry, Sad, and Confused Man. The Happiness and love I Once had for life was gone. Being in a cell with murderers, rapist, gang bangers ,and all other sorts of dirt bags will defiantly change the way you view the world, especially when your 18. All my friends were going to college, joining the military, falling in love, getting married and I was in a cage but thats life. Everything happens for a reason or so I tell myself.

Well as you could Imagine when I came home from my HELL, my dreams of joining the military were kinda crushed. They don't allow convicts in the military. However I did still make an effort to join a few times and was rejected every time. I also wasn't allowed to join the volunteer fire dept so becoming a FireFighter was out of the question. So I worked dead end job, after dead end job, after dead end job never feeling any satisfaction from anything. Just feeling like a massive hole in me just could not be filled. I tried to fill it with all sorts of drugs and booze and nothing could fill it. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality, so the drugs never became a serious issue for me like they did for so many of my friends. I've lost a few friends due to drugs and always kinda wondered why wasn't it me. Why do the Happy people always die. I would of given my life in a heartbeat to bring back some of the friends I lost. In a sense I don't really understand addiction at all, but i guess i am somehow stronger then addiction and I've tried it all and I do mean it all. I always felt you need to understand something before you judge one for doing it so i tried everything before i judged. It's funny in a way cause I have very little empathy for drug addicts now days, I've been there and done it. I've just never went off the deep end like so many people have and now days I rarely drink let alone do drugs. I smoke the occasional joint but i don't consider that a drug. "thats a whole different story tho"

So at 26 I decided to go back to school, I went for an Art degree which I received a few years later from a BULL **** PRIVATE School that closed down...but once again thats a whole other story I could cry about. A wasted $50,000 dollars I'll never get back on a degree thats not wroth the paper its printed on.Don't get me wrong I gave it 100% at school and graduated top of the class on the Deans list and Presidents list with a 3.9 GPA. So please don't think I'm just another **** up that likes to complain. Well while i was enrolled in school I was in a car accident and had a neck Injury and shoulder Injury and here we are now 5 years after the accident and I am in Pain on a regular basis. I suffer from depression, I live at home because Im unemployed mainly due to the fact I am in Pain with a 29% disability. At this point in my life I feel as tho I have nothing more to give. I put resume after resume in company after company only to receive rejection notices. I cant go back to the manuel labor i once did because of pain and am stuck trying into a new field that doesn't want to give me a chance and having a criminal record doesn't make anything easier. Nobody cares that i haven't been in trouble in 14 years to them I'm still just a ******* criminal. Its ******* depressing and I feel so ******* empty inside that its killing me. What am I supposed to do at this point. Life has just been one down hill roller coaster which leads me to believe that everything doesn't happen for a reason. Some people just get the raw end of the stick and get ****** by life over and over again until they finally crack and I'm one of those people.. If something could go wrong it will and nothing will ever go right and If it did I's probably **** that up too.. If you actually read this thanks for listening to my rant....Its only a grain of sand in my hourglass but i'd need a book to get it all out...
EmptyBagOfBones EmptyBagOfBones
31-35, M
May 5, 2012