i have no one by my side and it is almost exclusively my own fault. I never share personal information about my self to anyone. In fear of how they will take it, and i do not want to be hurt, at least not after i have shared so much. I hide under bad fashion taste, horrible habits, and idiotic talks. I never want the world to see me for who i am. I somehow find it comforting to be judged and hated for who i am not than for who i am. Both are equivalently just as hurtful, especially that i never really intend on giving the impression that i am an unintelligent person with no depth. It is just that when having conversations with people i worry that i slip and share something about my self. It is very stressful and i never enjoy having conversations. When i do my anxiety kicks in and i start to make no sense. Which is why i never really talk much. I enjoy being a i third wheel or getting ignored when with a group of people. It is like socializing but not really. like being there just physically, while mentally I'm in my own head. BUT it isn't my fault i turned into an awkward, troubled adult with an eating disorder, depression, and social anxiety. It is not my fault i got born in a dysfunctional family, with a domestic-abuse-survivor, depressed mother who emotionally and physically abused me as i grew up. How am i supposed to feel worthy and loved, when the person who was meant to love and support me broke me down. School was not any better than home, it got worse gradually as i came closer to senior year. My writing, drawing and painting skills got worse. and the things i enjoyed doing, such as reading for instance, i completely lost interest in. later I developed really bad social anxiety and could not leave the house at all. i decided to self teach during senior year. B because after all, getting only emotionally abused by mother was far better than having getting bullied as well. I did really well on my final exams and decided to study abroad. To me, it meant finally escaping and starting fresh. I had very high expectations. But boy was i wrong… Studying abroad was not only a bad decision but probably the worst i have EVER made. i shared a dorm room with 3 other girls who were very rude and mean to me. And although i knew i was not that much of a sociable person before i moved, i never knew at all it would be that bad. Being surrounded by people 24/7 is already very energy draining. Add to that annoying, loud, and EXTREMELY judgmental. Exactly the kind of environment to demotivate and stress me. I felt very suppressed and depressed. You can never imagine how relieved i was when freshman year of university finally came to an end. At least at home i can stay in my room all alone when things get really bad.
I am traveling back to university in a bout a month and i am not anywhere near excited. I will be sharing dorm room with another girl. And i am already worrying it would be awkward and uncomfortable for me. I am very socially crippled and it is really stressing me out. :( i am having suicidal thoughts bc i feel things never really get better..And never will.. and i feel very very lonely, not alone bc i am surrounded by people… just lonely
Jane059 Jane059
18-21
Aug 22, 2014