I Don't Know Why...

I am 25 years old... I met and "fell for" a man who.. didn't treat me well, he didn't abuse me physically, just emotionally. He was.. i guess we both where to immature for this... this was when I was 18-22. After I left him I became "black" as i call it, quiet, shy... introverted.  One of my good friends invited me to a play he was in, there I met a wonderful man who I fell in love with at first site, and that was something i never believed in. But I did after knowing him for a Little while he told me that he was bisexual.. and a virgin.. and very confused. I had a bond with him and I told him that he needed to be happy whatever that meant.. even if it meant not being WI me. I started dying a little inside that day I had fallen in love with him and part of me couldn't accept that after meeting and sharing all these wonderful moments.. that he didn't feel for me like i felt for him. He still loved me.. still does to this day and I love him we struggled a lot tho, i was very jealous, he was a bit selfish we both did and said things that we regretted, but during all that we loved, shared laughed and lived.. He accepted me for being myself encouraged all of my talents and supported me in anything i chose to do. He was always there for me, always. It took me almost a year but my feeling of romantic love for him faded and left something deeper, he is part of my soul he is my love, my friend, the one i share with and confide in. When my romantic love for him faded another man came into my life, as an employee at first. When I first met him I thought him to be arrogant and a little bit rude.. I disliked him intensely.... But i always had something of a fascination with him... over time I learned that he was exceptionally sh and used his arrogance as a way to hide his true self. He lacked confidence and needed a little courage.. when I found this out about him my feelings changed.. I didn't want to at first but eventually I developed romantic feelings for him. I wanted to see him smile, i wanted to be the person who made him happy. We  became very close laughing and talking every day he came out and sang karaoke with me for the first time in his life and he really began to open up and others started seeing the sweet charming man I had grown to know. I desperately wanted to tell him how I felt, but he was in a complicated situation. He lives due to circumstance in a roommate house hold with 4 people, one of which is his on again off again girlfriend of 6 years. He was showing definite signs of interest everyone assumed we where a couple, but i still didn't let him know what was in my hear for fear of getting hurt.

I go to the same place with a group of coworkers after the office every week, one Friday a friend of mine brought his brother long, a very intelligent man, excellent conversationalist.. we couldn't keep our eyes off of each other and we chatted as if no one else was in the room, there was in intensity there. After meeting a few more times I made a decision... I had only been with one man sexual and that was my ex of 4 years i was now 24 years old. I was attracted to this man as he was to me, but he had a girlfriend. I made a decision at this point, i wanted this man, not as my own but for one night, i wanted to prove myself as a strong sexual woman and have this man. I made a bold move called his brother and asked for his number he told me that Nathaniel had a girlfriend why did i want his number? to which i replied... "So? whats the number" laughing to himself he gave it to me and i made a flirt fairly short phone call to him. The next Friday he came to the bar after work, he sat beside me and after a while took my hand under the table, he was caressing me gently playing with my fingers as we got up to leave the bar we embraced and kissed for the first time there was an intensity building;ding we drove to my house and where nude before we hit the top landing he and I had an intense hot sexual night with a lot of animal lust, and caressing our bodies did not loose contact for  a moment in the 10 hours he was here he loved everything about the way I moved, and i loved feeling him next to me.we woke up the following morning kissed softly goodbye and we somehow knew that we where done.. it ended after one beautiful night, i had no regrets. Nathaniel helped me define myself as a sexual being. through his hands his lips and his member I found a part of myself that had lay dormant all these years, for that I thank you Nathaniel.

C the man from my work found out about this encounter. He overjoyed himself in ribbing me about it, playfully always laughing with me. Our flirtations became so as almost everyone noticed, his friends and mine. People where taking bets on when we would be together and if we where already.. so on and so forth 

One day after work I went out with a group of friends, after a Little while C walked in.  I was overjoyed to see him, spending time with him makes me very happy. He smiled contentedly, e joked and chatted about deeper subjects than usual (sexual mistakes etc). He was being more gentlemanly than usual pouring my drinks not poking fun in his jovial way taking my hand to  help me up from my chair... we decided t was time to head home, we had both had a few drink so we called a cab home, we got settled into the back seat and i told the driver our first stop which was his street as he lived closest to the bar and that there would be a second stop for me after. the moment I finished talking he leaned into me and placed his head on my shoulder, i smiled and ran my fingers through his hair "aww are we a little sleep?" I asked.. he looked up at me with h is lovely brown eyes and said no as he closed them and leaned in for a kiss.

My heart leapt into my throat as i felt this mans soft lips on mine this was the slowest most gentle kiss i had ever felt, there was no one in the world but us, time stood still we embraced each other and nothing else mattered.. the next thing we heard was the driver telling us we had reached his stop. he looked into my eyes and in a soft low voice said "we could go to your place" i gave the driver my address and went immediately back to drinking in his warm kisses, there was more fire behind them now because we both knew what we wanted ... we where on the way to make love.. hands where wandering a little lips locked together... we practically skipped out of the cab paying him over by about 10 dollars but neither of us cared. we took hands and i lead him up my stairs giggling nervously as i took me shoes off he embraced me and kissed me again as we got inside my apartment and his beautiful kisses once again danced on my lips he was so much more masculine and sexual now that we where inside alone.. I had removed me ever present heels that i wear partially to intimidate those at the office.. and somehow being my true height and holding this tall strong masculine man intensified my lust for him...

What happened in my room is just for him and I to know, yes me made love it was beautiful and soft and gentle and passionate, he was as caring and tender a lover as any woman could ask for. when it was over he lay entwined with me our heart beating together.. he went to my balcony to smoke I dressed and followed him and gloried in finally being able to hold and caress him as I had always wanted... our conversation was minimal.. when he left he came to me and embraced me again and those soft lips on mine left an impression i will never ever forget... I barley slept that night I felt on top of the world... everything seemed wonderful colors where brighter and food tasted better...it was a high like i had never felt.

The next day we both worked, as i am management and he is not conversation was kept professional.. and i didn't get to talky o him as i had liked... so i sent him a little email just saying that i had a wonderful time, i loved his soft lips and that we should make time to talk.

 

this is where it goes wrong.... I receive email back, but not from him from his ex, saying i am a bad person for hitting on someone who was living with his ex... I felt stabbed... i needed to talk to him, so i told him about my email which he hadn't read and the one i received in return and for some reason i apologized for sending the email. he told me no don't apologize she is his ex.. she still wants to be with him but its because shes acts this way that he is not with her...

that was the last we talked about it.... he hasn't talked to me outside of work since, we still have our jokey flirtation like before however, I'm desperately confused.

In the meantime a man i have known for 9 years came into my life again recently.. Jeff was my first crush i met him at the same time as my ex and we both loved each other but the timing was wrong, even when i was with my ex i traveled home with him to Scotland and he showed me all over his country i met all of his relatives we sang we laughed.. it was the most amazing week... he escorted me to my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary in widnes and he was a charming gentleman and everyone adored him. he is a mas man, and a don Juan every man wants to be like him with sports and women and all the women young and old fall at his feet... I however despite my feelings for him never did anything with him on that trip i was loyal to my ex....

years went by Jeff moved in with a girl and they had a child he still loves with her... he has come out with me and my friends a few times but since i have left my ex he has made no qualms about wanting to be with me.. but he is still with her. so nothing has happened.. we went out for a drink and a chat 2 weeks ago as we where both bored,,, things where going very well laughing and chatting then he took m hand firmly and tears filled his eyes,,, he regrets us not being together years ago when we met, if only he could be with me he would treat me like a princess, if i was HIS.    this stirred up long dormant feelings for him inside me... we left the bar hand in hand and as we got to his car he hugged me firmly as i put my head to hi9s chest..  he just held me tight and kept saying my name..... i looked up at him and we kissed.. soft then fiercely intensity... Ive envier had suck an animalistic kiss there was a 5 alarm fire between our bodies.... we went to his vehicle and we did not "do the deed" things did happen and it was very intense very rough we almost attacked each other..... we talked and agreed that because of his situation we should keep this quiet but he wants to see me again as soon as possible....

this is what is going on in my life.....

the man who really has my heart as my friend but will never be my lover

The man who awoke my sexuality in one wonderful passion filled evening

The man who i care for deeply and long for... but feel used by

and the man who is no good for me who wants to be with me but i don't think i could handle being with him....

3 lovers.... all at the same time... all of whom have girlfriends... and to all, I have become a mistress...

when did i become this? how did I as a strong intelligent professional woman with a great career get to THIS point?

The one that concerns me most is C.. we are such good friends.. he knew i had feelings for him everyone did.. so how could he do this to me? did he use me for one night of fun? could he do that to a friend? where we really friends? maybe i should rethink what a good person he is if that is the truth....

or is he conflicted... the unfortunate situation of him living with his ex.. is she his ex? even his best friend thinks so. should i believe him? if i do does that make me stupid? if i don't and it turns out i was wrong will that make me a bad person for disregarding who i think he is?

all of this emotion all of these 8 people.. 3 of whom (the girls friends) don't know there involved) and I sit.. here alone and i type.... empty words empty feelings.. does it matter what i think.. have they all used me? will they use me anyway?

 

empty fits how i feel, a little too well....

thank you for listening and providing me the outlet to write this down

acerac713 acerac713
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 3, 2007

hmm well i think you should learn to love yourself first for you to love another guy again.. so when the time comes that you feel youre in love again , and your heart was broken up again, you can easily stand up again.. <br />
remember life is full of challenges, trials and sacrifices, i also experienced those things you experienced.. and i tell you time will come that there will be a guy who will really love you and will not use you.. just learn to love yourself first and just look around.,..there are more out there just know and pick the best.. lots of goodluck!