My Life On Autopilot

I have felt this way for most of my teenage years, but especially in the last two weeks.My life is on autopilot. Time passes by so fast. The emptiness inside me has made my life bare. When I'm busy during the day everything seems to be quiet. As if i were watching my life in mute. When I am by myself in silence my thoughts are so loud. Overwhelming thoughts swarm in my head.

I feel like half of myself is missing. I'm absent minded in most of the things I do anymore. I have lost interest in a lot of activities I used to do. I find myself isolating more everyday from everyone. I have goals that I am focused on reaching, yes, but what do I do after that. I feel like I'm running towards a dead end.

In the last two weeks these feelings have gotten worse, ever since my son left my arms. Everyone has told me that things will get better with time, but as time is going by it's getting worse. I know I am pushing myself too hard, staying  busy, constantly working,i mean i just had a baby two weeks ago. But if i don't stay busy i will drown myself in thought. I barely sleep. Insomnia I have gotten used to, I rarely eat anymore.

I don't want to feel like this anymore, I have felt it for so long that I'm ready to be free from this poison feeling. I know i will always have a feeling of emptiness for all the things i have lost in my life, but i want to be able to smile and mean it, to actually be okay and not pretend i am. I want to being able to have fun and enjoy it. I'm at the tender age of 19. i know i still have alot to experience. I haven't given up it's just this feeling i cant escape. I don't want it to overwhelm my entire life. It has already taken so much from me already. I don't want to close my eyes and feel the tears of pain stroll down my face anymore.

021609gtf 021609gtf
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 5, 2009

You can talk to me if you need to if you need it. I am in the same empty stage as you are...but everyone needs someone to talk to. Everyone. Music is also great. It's my best friend. And if you play instruments, even better. I play the piano, and it helps a bit...

Scully is right..you sound depressed from losing someone you love. I've been there. I know the feelings. It might help to see someone. But if you just need a friend to talk to, I'm here. Feel free to email me again.