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I'm a Very Competitive Average Person...

Hi everyone.... Just joined because I couldn't take it anymore and then I found this page on google...

I'm not exactly full of self-esteem but... well I'm not the kind that cuts and attempts suicide or has eating disorders...

Recently I found yet another flaw in me.... apparently I'm too competitive...

I hadn't really noticed it before... but even in small meaningless things I try to be better than the person beside me...

I'm average in absolutely everything.... looks, skills, style, tastes, everything you can imagine... and the only thing I thought I was actually a bit better at was drawing. (well, first it was at languages, but everyone was better than me aswell )I've been part of a well known online art community, where people post their art and get comments on how to improve and etc from fellow artists, for a few years now.

I won't say where I'm from but I'm not American or from any English speaking country... and I guess... somehow I probably thought that I was the only person from my country in that online community(which is mainly for english speakers)...

Recently I've seen nothing but people from my country taking over, with amazing art, FAR better than mine, younger than me and more skilled...I can't even begin to tell you how this hurts...

I feel so weird inside... I can't relate to anything in the real world...I'm even scared to leave my house for some reason...I'm scared to look at people, I'm scared to talk to people and I'm scared of people talking to me....

I'm 18 and I keep seeing everyone moving on and finding something to do with their lives, and following their dreams and whatnot...

I don't even have future plans... I can't do anything better than anyone.You know how they say that everyone was born with a talent?

Apparently I wasn't included....

I'll be really disappointed if the people who read this just dismiss it as a "teenager being emo" 

I'm seriously in despair... all I do every single day is trying to find something I'm good at... and improving my drawing skills but I'm not exactly rich... and with every day that goes by I feel the pressure to get my first job (yes, I couldn't get into college)

And I talk to no one about this... as far as everyone knows, I'm a lazy *** girl who just stays home all day In front of her computer. The truth is I avoid this subject 100% but whenever I'm alone I can't stop thinking about it... then from time to time I end up crying my heart out.

should I just forget about dreams and hopes and live my life half-heartedly just for work, waiting for the next day and starting all over again in a meaningless cycle?

All I really want is something to live for... but with every hope that I express, all I hear around me is " that's not realistic, forget it" " That's impossible and you know it" " give it up"

I wish I could prove them wrong... but I really can't see how....

 

Why am I this competitive over things?? 

And I feel like EVERYONE is better than me at everything.... Some people tell me " in your life you'll always find people better than you at everything" 

then where are the people that are worse than me??

Why do I feel like what I say doesn't matter? Why does everyone interrupt my speeches? 

 

And I remember when I was in the swimming team, I would even race people that were just there to swim slowly... of course I would race them without them knowing but I would actually give my very best just to get to the other side first... and this is RIDICULOUS!! and Pathetic!

I need someone to help me... please...

I can't deal with this by myself...

 

I'm sorry for spelling/grammar mistakes and if this post is meaningless and considered as spam or something...

 

Lycorine Lycorine 18-21, F 4 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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It is normal to feel the way you are feeling. I thing as human we all are competitive. The part which changes as we grow are our awareness to our strengths and weeknesses , which help smoothens our competitive nature. Without competition we won't have motivation to do anything. So you are not different from any one of us.... Just keep working on becoming better, its a life time journey...

i understand exactly how you feel when i was your age i used to feel just like this and maybe even worse. i felt like i was good at nothing everyone seemed to be better then me getting great grades, getting good jobs, going to good universities while i was struggling to live a normal life<br />
i am 20 years old now and i am doing much better then i was 2 years back i had many problems and very low self esteem everyone has challenges in their life and they can either overcome them or be crushed by them i manged to overcome alot of my challenges. and now life is abit better.<br />
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You are facing some challenges right now in your life its normal at your age your not being emo your just being human you have to fight your way thorugh this its the only way just hold on things will get better they always do i still havn't found what i am good at or what my talent is but i am confident that i will find it one day and really start to enjoy life thats why i keep living LOL. maybe you can get a job just for money and at the same time find your passion and figure out what you really want to do. if you really love drawing and art and that what you really want to do then DO IT if you see other people who are "better then you" then they are better then you for a reason maybe they have been doing art for many more years then you have and they started really young..or maybe they have a great mentor or teacher who helps them. just keep your focus on your skills and how you can improve them maybe speak to other people who you think are really good or better then you and get help from them and ask them how they got so skilled and you can do what they did to become skilled but don't compare yourself to other people to much and think they are better then you and that you can never measure up because it will just discourage you focus your passion and desire on yourself :). and if your passion isn't art just keep looking and you will find something that you are good at.<br />
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another good think to do is find make sure you are around positive understanding people they will make you feel good and they will inspire you if people think you are lazy just to make them understand how you feel if this is possble<br />
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many people later in their life become alcoholics and become depressed why? one of the reason is because they forget about dreams and hopes and live their life half-heartedly waiting for the next day and starting all over again in a meaningless cycle. so don't ever forget dreams and hope because that is what life is about and when its gone it can lead to a very bad place.<br />
you will find something to live for just hold on and keep going . maybe try to get some help find someone to talk to and then one day your be truly happy :)<br />
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you can talk to me if you want take care

Thank you SOOO MUCH for your comment!!!!<br />
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Well since I'm a teenager I was worried that people would dismiss my worries...<br />
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Did you find a way to control it? or to at least ignore it??<br />
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Yes I totally agree, someone MUST be the best at something at some point... and with SO MANY things to do out there, why can't we just be the best at 1 small thing???<br />
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lol, thank you, about the being good at grammar and spelling... tried that before and a TIDE of people are better than me LOL<br />
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I really can't thank you enough... now I know that at least I'm not alone.... thank you =)

I felt like it was my own mind talking to me when I was reading your story, that's how much I feel the same. I don't think that your despair and feelings of inadequacy are "emo", take it from me, someone who is 31. I sometimes feel competitive as well, trying to prove to myself and others that I AM good at something, but I usually end up coming up short and feeling even worse about myself. It's funny that you should mention how people say that you shouldn't worry, because there will always be someone better than you. But if there are only a finite number of people in the world, simple logic dictates that at some point, SOMEONE has to be the best at something. I've always wondered, why can't I be like that, even if just for a few fleeting moments? So don't worry, you are definitely not alone in feeling this way. And by the by, your grammar and spelling are quite good, so maybe you're good at that? :)