Its in a humans nature to look for happiness isn't it?
And even if you find it. you will always look for something else.
Always.
I'm no different.
I'm selfish for being depressed because compared to other people, my life is a dream.
I feel guilty and ashamed because of my selfishness and this makes me even more depressed.
It's a never ending circle of feelings that will always have the same result.
I don't want to be alive.
But then again, I don't want to die either.
What do I want?!
The thought of leaving everyone I love and fading out of existence scares me **** less.
Both the thought of living and dieing are unbearable to me (which is probably why I've never tried anything on my life, though I've thought about it more then once).
I serve as a punching bag, I stay quiet and let other people vent out on me.
My suicidal sister
My abused friend
My anorexic friend with a self image problem
I let them vent because I'm afraid that if I don't, then they'll have no one else to go to and something bad might happen.
I coop it all up (both my problems and theirs) because I am unable to let anyone know just how depressed I am (which is why i choose to use this community -as a way to vent).
I am emotionally handicapped. I keep everything to myself, unable to cry even if I wanted to until I finally blow, usually at the worst timings too (PE class, when I'm walking to my bus stop in the dark, etc). The tears flow involuntarily and i can't stop them until I'm completely dried out.
I can't show people my true feelings no matter how hard I try.
At school, to everyone else, I am happy. I am a strait A student, an athlete, I am always smiling. I am good.
Few know how little I care about school or how rebellious i really am.
Fewer know that I smoke, because, thats when I am truly numb and unaware of everything ( I'm trying to stop. I'm trying really hard to stop).
No one knows how truly unhappy I am.

Current Mood: fake
Trishfish19 Trishfish19
18-21, F
Aug 23, 2014