The dress was pale blue and beautiful my nylons made my legs feel good and in my high heels and make up I felt wonderful as I admired the pretty girl in the mirror. The sudden knocking on the door and my mother asking why the door was locked and demanding I let her into her bedroom, filled me with fear. When she entered the room and saw me she burst into tears and said you promised you would never do this again and we both ended in tears as she hugged me and asked why I dressed as a girl in her clothes. She just hugged me when I said I wanted to be a girl and that I did not want to grow into a man.
That was many many years ago at the tender age of fifteen years and in later life went on to marry and have children but always the feelings were there and always wanting to wear feminine clothes and heated arguments when my wife kept finding my stash.The family grew up and then my wife suddenly died and my life went haywire for several years as I came to terms with my loss.
I had a few girlfriends but never the same feelings I had for my wife and sort of became a recluse and then moved house to a little cottage in the country. Around this time my feelings intensified and wanted to dress more one day in M&S around xmas found myself looking at ladies suits and one of the assistants ased if she could help to which I replied yes please. I pointed out the suit and skirt and she asked so matter of fact (is it for yourself) and I replied yes without thinking and just wished the ground would open up and swallow me. I left M&S with the suit top and lingerie, bras and pants with the help of a wonderful girl called Susan.
My life turned around and wigs, breast forms, and my passion for shoes and my wardrobe was full and overflowing.and I also became adept at make up. At this time I was dressing at every opportunity and when dressed it was so frustrating not to be able to go out after all the work in getting ready.This feeling increased and started going out for drives and walks in quiet areas and quickly sensed that this was not very wise and it was much safer to go where there were lots of people. My first shopping trips with my heart beating and legs like jelly were so frightening it nearly put me off,but the amazing thing no one pointed or shouted and it was as if they were unaware of me.
The biggest step was deciding to live fulltime as I was getting very depressed at changing back into male mode and then started self medicating with hormones and after two years followed up with breast augmentation and some feminising facial surgery. My Journey has not been easy and family were not supportive but seem to be coming round and I hope things will get better.
I am very comfortable with things at present and do not feel the need for SRS but who knows what may happen in the future and I have had the support of some good friends.
So there I was some five years later at M&S again, when a familiar voice said would you like some help and I replied ( young lady I think you have given me more than enough help) and the next fifteen minutes were spent telling Susan everything that had happened.
Is it worth all that I have been through and I must admit it would have been nice to live a life as a man without the feminine feelings I have had all my life. But to spend a life without these feminine thoughts and never to find the joy of being feminine seems such an empty life.