No Need To Guilt Trip Me...I Can Do It MyselfI've had quite a few bad things happen in my life, but who hasn't? People that meant a lot to me and I loved left me whether through a break up, a move or death, but many of us have been there. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of thirteen and since then it's been a difficult disorder to deal with.
For as long as I can remember I've felt guilty about feeling depressed. It started with people telling me that what I'm going through isn't as terrible as what someone else is going through and pointing out the fact they can find someone going through worse then proceed to go into excruciating details about said individual. Sadly, I've started doing that to myself and didn't realize it until recently. When all those other people either faded away or stopped telling me to that I have it good compared to others, I stopped allowing myself to feel genuine empathy for myself. I did it because I didn't want to appear weak. I care about other people so much that I started focusing on them, trying to save them and help them in any way I can. I didn't realize I was letting myself deteriorate in the process.
I'm grateful for quite a number of things in my life and I can tell you about every thing and every person in my life that makes me happy. However, these lists don't stop me from feeling guilty every single time depression rears it's ugly head. The reason I feel guilty is because I feel like I have no right to be depressed. So what if I had a crappy childhood? Many other people did and you don't see them complaining. So what if I was abused? I hear people say, "Been there, done that." So what if I worked hard my entire life to get to where I am today only to realize working hard isn't gonna cut it in the world and no matter what I do there's a good chance I'll continue to be poor? Again many people have been where I am and handled it a different way. So why the heck is my problem? Why am I so bent out of shape over something that everyone goes through, right?
I've been trying to answer this question for years and so far no answer. I know I have clinical depression, but I can't stop comparing myself to people who don't have it. I'm a perfectionist and it's very hard for me to not compete with people who are considered "emotionally healthier" than me. Every day I feel depressed whether it's justified or not (I mention this because my grandfather recently passed and I'm in mourning), I feel guilty for being depressed. I feel like I shouldn't be depressed, like I'm defective or something along those lines. I mean why else would people shame me for so long to the point where they no longer have to shame me because I beat them to it?
philosophicmyth 26-30, F 1 Response 1 Apr 3, 2012