Because I'm Here, Writing This

(WARNING: After reading this, it is long, i totally respect if you pass it up. But it may be the most honest thing I've ever written, so those who do read, thank you for your time).

I don't care about this stupid affair with the CIA's top dude that's being played ad-nauseum all over the embarrassing corporate shows that pass for "national news", I was tired of this two days ago. What I care about is that I'm up late, here, writing this, alone, living apart without you. Maybe you would be sleeping next to me this late at night, or up reading yourself. I realize it's my own selfish struggle with depression, insecurity and anxiety that has caused me to break trust, which really is the most damaging thing that can happen in a relationship now, isn't it? I truly love you. You've made me a better person by just being yourself. You've helped me peel back years of negativity and cynicism, to the person i was as a child, to the person i should have been more of as an adult, one of good-conscious and consideration, of simple happiness and caring about people. You truly loved me. You encouraged me to grow by just being the person you are. But I fear that my late-blooming growing pains may have already pushed you too far away. I don't just love you because of all of these memories we share, all of these seven years as "Johnny & ...." this deep relationship, ten years of knowing one-another, I love you because you are you.  We had a connection, that rare connection you get once, maybe twice in life with someone. The type of connection that is known and felt long before it is spoken or confessed. That someone. You. And yet on the other side of that coin, I need to be realistic enough to know this may not be "it", I may have misjudged, I have been known to over-romanticize things, haven't I? In fact, in the morning this whole idea of writing this up will probably cheesy or pitiful, a feeling-sorry-for-myself version of a Hallmark card. I'm sincerely hoping this isn't the case. You told me once, "Handsome, I'll say 'I love you' when I know I mean it, and then when ever i say it you'll know i truly mean it." And then, you did say it, not too long later if I recall, and it felt as if the final "click" in the connection was locked, sealed, it began many long hours of laughs or lovemaking (sometimes both ;) , so many memories from those first several years, I know you have them too, you still mention them sometimes, with a fondness that I hope inside is a longing to create new sweet/bittersweet memories. This sad resignation over time that life really does go fast and that you never know what can happen seems to be dawning on us in our own way, and I love you enough to respect that you may well be considering that perhaps after all I may not be "the one" for you. You are, as everyone around us knows, twelve years younger than me. I'm sure others expect that fact to come between us at some point, and perhaps it has now. I'm trying to figure out how to finish growing up to be a man of trust and integrity, of honesty and accountability, of kindness and patience, and yet here I am, out here on this website, a website that you don't know I am on, and my "Experiences" are in many cases true about me, many ironically you already know about, yet you would be disappointed to know I'm out here, seeking like-minded people for my sexual impulsiveness when I should be in bed, reading next to you on this cold night. Your sleeping companionship is peace. I miss living with you. I miss giving each other sweet refrigerator doodles or notes or talking in our pajamas while we brush our teeth in that gargle-mouthed language that only two people who brush their teeth together can interpret and appreciate. I should be letting these long, quiet hours keeping warm with you, content, happy, thinking about things that i want to put my gifts and energy to, like trying to figure out how to help fix this freaking insane world we spin around on each day. The centrifugal force of society and tension on this planet right now is exhausting...

I had it all, and now i feel guilty, deeply guilty, that i broke the trust, risked the gift of best-friendship and passionate lovers. And for what? For nothing. For empty curiosities that have no comparison to the blessing of true companionship, of a forged foundation of compassion, love of nature, common courtesy, and selflessness. But I turned out to be the hypocrite after all. The grown up man who couldn't keep his young man's lusts to himself, even when you were open to talking about them and sharing some of my erotic fantasies. I still betrayed you. It hurts to even write that sentence, but that's what it is. So in the end I am faced with the fact that it may be too late, and again, trust is a delicate thing, it goes from core-to core of people's faith in one another. And i have now challenged yours more than anyone else has in your life. The guilt is eating me up, even night now. So i try, everyday, to be strong and find the balance, that balance that in all honesty you are in rightful control of now. I believe in giving you your space, letting you take your time. You've got your first apartment, and with all honesty I can say I am both happy for you to see you grow and gain your "wordly city confidence" here in the Big Crapple, but yet I truly, secretly, hate living without you. I miss you so badly, cue all the cheessy songs about your side of the bed being cold. I ****** up. I took your love for granted and the gamble was not worth it. Now I must be adult enough to get my own **** together and live my life with self-respect regardless of whether you and I are ever officially "together" again. Trying to learn that mindset is nearly as hard as waking up without you each day. Nothing feels right anymore, and my own war with depression and anxiety is just fuel to the fire of reality and doubt. This is either my chance to grow as a person into the man I was supposed to be before insecurity, depression, and apathy took their toll on me, and yet again, facing the everyday possibility that I many never have you as my lover again, my companion, my secret-keeper and thrilled fellow Walking Dead watcher. But. You still say you love me.

So I still have hope. I sometimes do wonder if we are just fooling ourselves, or perhaps you are too gentle in your very kind heart to say it to me out of fear it may cause my depression spiral downward? I worry about all of these things. But you still say you love me, and regardless, I still have a chance to continue growing up, on my own, while you do the same, yet still keeping some sort of un-nameable but strong connection between us. But in the end, if this isn't "meant to be in the long run", all I can really say is what Alice in Chains once sang: "And if we change, well, I love you anyway". You are the only person that i think I have ever truly felt that about. And yet I'm scared to say all of these things to you because I never want to overwhelm you, to crowd your emotional space, I need to love you by setting you free. It is beyond emotionally painful. So I live in regret and guilt ever day, every night is worse, for breaking our trust, letting you down, affecting two families and many friends. I guess most people who've read this by now conclude i need "help", i probably have "Love addiction" or "sex addiction", well fine, maybe so, but I'd like to think I'm a reasonable human being that can recognize his mistakes, and the consequences they bring on not only myself but the people I love, and make corrections, convictions, behavior, and actions that are more responsible and life-fulfilling. I think that's all a shrink would more or less get around to telling me anyway. **** it.

Time to get some sleep and go at it again tomorrow...the growing for myself, trying to keep the frame of mind that "whatever happens will be", and missing you on some deep, human, elemental level like I've never felt before. I love you. I always hope to fulfill that statement with actions for as long as you'll give me the chance.. I miss you, and i feel very guilty.
AjohnamousConfessions AjohnamousConfessions
36-40, M
Nov 14, 2012