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Covering For a Friend

Guilt is NOT an emotion I usually feel, ever.  But right now I am feeling guilty.

Two years ago, my best friend started having some troubles in her marriage (I can relate to that!).  Anyway, she began a friendship with a man from her work.  It was an innocent relationship - he made her feel desirable, he made her excited about life again, and I could see that she was in much better spirits.

She introduced me to him and made it very clear they were just friends.  However, she asked me not to mention it to her husband.  I agreed, and when we had family get togethers and school functions, I kept quiet (what are friends for).

Slowly, she started asking me to cover for her.  She would call me up and say "hey tomorrow when we are at the baseball game, if ***** asks how was the movie, please tell him it was great".  This type of action continued and I found myself being involved more and more.

Now, it has gotten to the point of her asking for me to tell him we are going for a girls weekend.  I really don't feel good about this.  We live in a small town, and what you do in this town is visible to everyone.  But, it is not even about that - it is about how I feel about my own actions.

I have no judgment about what she does with her life - I will love her no matter what.  I wish however, she would just get out of her unhappy marriage; or come clean to her husband and get counseling, or at least be honest.

I now question my own integrity.  I don't like liars - I don't like deceit.  I have become everything I abhor.  It is a lousy feeling.  I am a "straight up tell you to your face" kind of girl.  Now I find that I am willing to cover for friends quite easily.  This just isn't OK.

I don't want to lose our friendship, but I am not willing to continue being part of this deceit any longer.  I am not willing to compromise my beliefs anymore.

She has a beautiful family and 2 little girls that I adore.  Her husband is not a bad guy, but apparently is not a good fit for her.  I plan on telling her that I will not lie for her anymore - I am really nervous about the whole situation  - UGH.

I need to stay true to myself - continue to live with integrity.  I have always been able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see.  Today, I am experiencing guilt and I don't like it one bit!  Lying, cheating and being sneaky is lousy.  It damages relationships and it sets a very bad example for our children. 

We are having a party at my house tonight because I have company visiting from the mainland.  I would like to tell her today - before we have the party and I see her husband and the rest of the family.

I am not sure if I should do it today.  Will it ruin our gathering?  Should I wait and do it another time?  I just don't want to be in the position of having to lie again!

childoftheland childoftheland 46-50, F 4 Responses May 2, 2009

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I agree with him putting you in the middle of this mess is unfair to you!!

good for you milady<br><br />
<br><br />
every day that you continue the lies, you lose a bit of yourself. very soon you will not recognise the hollow nothing that stares back at you from the mirror.<br><br />
<br><br />
also, don't be suprised if your children don't respect you one day.<br><br />
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strength to you.<br><br />
<br><br />
b

You are such a beautiful man b! I take your words of wisdom with great respect.<br />
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This really isn't my character, but my geniune love sometimes gets me in trouble - or my serious co-dependent issues :)<br />
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I was actually looking at what degree of deceit is ok - the answer is none. <br />
<br />
Even if it is just an emotional affair she is having, my lying is what is at issue, not her actions.<br />
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My part in this is done. I will not compromise my integrity anymore. Let the chips fall where they may.<br />
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Thank you for being such a good friend. <br />
<br />
I am learning and growing.

helloooo hawaii<br />
<br />
lady c. <br />
<br />
no need to ask how you are. <br />
<br />
let me start at the end. <br />
<br />
tell her to **** off. <br />
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you are not abandoning your friendship. there is none. she is abusing you and has started on the day that she first asked you to lie for her. that is the day that she ended your friendship.<br />
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what you have had since then is BS. call her now and tell her so that she can choose to stay away. she is a taker and a user. she will turn this around and tell you that you are destroying her marriage or some other such crap.<br />
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don't delay. the quicker that this behaviour is out of your circle, the better.<br />
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love and peace.<br />
<br />
b