I Feel Guilty
At one point or another, I've felt guilt on account of my actions usually tied to my hormones. Being the kind of person who wants a deep, meaningful relationship; it can feel like that clashes with the natural of my hormones who want quick satisfaction ASAP with the relationship be damned. Once I compared hormones to bullets to a great friend of mine - saying that hormones don't care who gets hurt or hit the minute they come out of the barrel. Emotions are the conscience for and of hormones, at least that is how it is supposed to be. The heart is supposed to govern the loins, not be a slave to them. But I won't shame myself further and not admit to having shallow moments. Not admit to sexually sizing someone up either on the street or if I see a colorful or provocative picture of them on EP. Moments like those, I do feel guilt for falling prey to the most basic of biological desires which is to mate.
Then later my conscience kicks in and I remember why I am holding out - what I am holding out for. I remember the dream and that in spite of my own claims to the contrary - I have survived 27 years living, breathing sweating for this dream. I won't give up now.
