Oh It Hurts...

I sometimes think I have been cursed with a gift of knowing. Sometimes I know things I shouldn't know, and cannot explain how or why I know what I know. All I know now is that whatever it is that I know now is causing me lots of pain, pain that I thought I had gotten over, gotten through, and even resolved, but no its back and just as bad as before. All I want to do is cry and at least before I could associate what I was feeling with missing someone so bad and just wanting to be with that person but not knowing if I would ever be able to see that person again. I mean, its the same pain, except I thought I would be seeing this person again. I dunno, I have these feelings, I am not even quite sure what they are any more and I am trying to get them out but cannot find the words to articulate exactly what I am feeling, so then all I am left with is sitting here crying, because all I know is that it hurts...
mljenkins mljenkins
41-45, F
4 Responses Apr 2, 2011

just pary to god and he will carry you though o.k my friend<br />
again my dear friend in life we have ups and downs tin life we all have burdens th carry ok so nevr mine my dear

@claudethetoad<br />
Thank you for your concern. I am going on round three with this same person, however not vesting so much of myself into it at the moment. When I met him I had unexplainable feelings and yet some how I knew I was supposed to be with him, so this last time, our third round together, I decided to not fight it and just go with it and see where it went. He accused me of pushing him away, so in case that was true, I am not now. I think I had valid reasons but that was in my mind. I am not trying to say that my thoughts and feelings do not deserve to be validated however, like I said, I am not vesting as much of myself into it til we get further along. I am maintaining friendships that I had previously ended because of this guy, not cutting off all ties just yet, this time. <br />
I don't necessarily believe in destiny and reasons for everything but still appreciate your kind words and concern for my well being...

I am just browsing around the site randomly and I see so many people who are sad like yourself. You sound as if you are in deep anguish and I feel for you as I know that it seems like you will never break away from the sorrow.<br />
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But you will. I believe in all things having a purpose and I believe that you will see the brightness that still exists in this wonderful world of ours. That doesn't mean you won't still feel badly from time to time but you will see that you are special and have a special role in the grand scheme of things. Have a good night ...rest and live well.

I wish it were so easy, I want to let these feelings go and yet part of me is holding onto them for dear life, as if not having these feelings will some how hinder the quality of my life, of course I know better, but I don't really understand the intensity of them to begin with, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. That is probably part of my problem. Yes, I was taken over with sudden emotions for some one I had just met, nothing special there and it still doesn't make any sense, I keep telling myself the facts of the whole situation and how it doesn't warrant all these feelings, and how they are out of place, and yet I still feel this pain in context with thoughts of this person, I try not to think about him, but to no avail, I cannot stop, drugs just intensifies his presence in my mind, I dream of him when I sleep, I have cried a few times today, and it still doesn't make sense to me and I cannot justify any of it. Why is the connection between the two of us that makes me his emotional prisoner, I expect that with such intensity I shall soon discover the cause, I did just find out about his addiction, that may be part of it. I don't really believe in destiny, but what if something brought us together, what if this pain I feel, isn't even mine, but his. I have felt other people's emotions before as well, although that has been a rare experience, but since I went there, it makes more sense to me to think of it that way, I am really a lot more logical than to do such illogical things such as love at first site, which is not exactly what I would say is going on here. <br />
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Oh Thank You, you have allowed me to look at this from a different perspective and now, perhaps I can actually help this new friend instead of drowning in his pain, if that is indeed is what is going on here.