I Feel I Could Lose Him Any Moment...

Wow. I wrote so much I don't have time to proofread.



Please forgive any weird grammar, bad punctuation, etc.



;)

I've got a 16-month-old daughter and I'm 5 years into a monogamous relationship after almost 20 years of failure at romantic relationships. I don't blame or miss any of my exes because I'm happier than I've ever been.



I don't regret the road that brought me here, because it wouldn't be half as good without the knowledge I now have.



Some people are lucky and get their relationship training wheels from their parents' example. Others aren't and have to learn by falling, like you and I.



Whichever it is, we can learn how to deal. We pretty much have to.



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DISCLAIMER:

It may be that your problem is beyond my approach because of something you or he has already said or done. In that case talk to someone older and more experienced whose judgement you respect, with or without your boyfriend's participation.



If there's nobody older, choose your most level-headed and loyal friend or relative.



Listen to what they have to say, otherwise...



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ADVICE (results may vary)



First, keep in mind that you have inherent value. Your worth is not something you have to prove, it's a gift from the universe.



Most (but far from all) young romantic relationships are flawed, because the participants are just finding their feet in the world.



It's not a matter of maturity, but of being a rookie at new skills.



We all need to learn the ropes, men and women equally.



Even without factoring in hormones, young men sometimes don't know what the hell they're doing or why. They make stupid decisions that they sometimes live to regret.



As they get older, they learn to make better decisions, and manage their relationships better. Just like young women.



As far as your feelings of inadequacy go, you need to realize that in each of your past relationships you were a different person than who you are today. So were your partners.



You were a younger and less skilled version of yourself. Your experiences have improved you, and will continue to do so.



You may not be able to explain what you've learned, but you've learned things nonetheless.



That said, I've been around the block a few times myself, so I've got skills of my own to share.



What I'd do in this scenario is "kill shadows with light".



Without accusing, talk to your boyfriend about your feelings. Let him know you're aware that they spring from your past relationships and may not reflect on him personally, but that you're having a hard time.



Don't ask for anything, except that he hear you out. Also don't make it a big production and say "we need to talk". Just mention it casually and drop the subject.



Something like, "I trust you, but my past relationships have made me sensitive to this particular issue. If you could just keep it in mind I'd appreciate it."



Maintain eye contact and try for a smile or at least a loving expression while you say it, maybe touch him briefly.



If he follows up then stick to your casual tone and act like it's no big deal. Answer honestly but don't draw it out, then say



"Sorry, but I can't help it, just keep it in mind."



... or words to that effect.



The "secret" male reaction to a revelation like this is a boost to his self-esteem. It means you find him attractive on an objective level. It might make him horny.



He may already be attracted to one of his female friends and feeling guilty though, so his reaction may vary. Or he might not feel guilty because he's clueless or because there's nothing untoward going on. He may get angry and defensive whether or not there's any reason to, but that's easy to defuse unless he's an *** or not wired to be monogamous.



Almost matching his tone of voice, but a little bit softer and emphasizing the word "trust", say something like:



"I trust you, that's why I'm talking about this. I trust your judgement, so that's why all I want you to do is keep it in mind."



Then when he keeps you in the loop reward him by saying a sincere thanks and giving him his space. Don't pry.



If he doesn't keep you informed, you can pry a little, but keep it casual and don't repeat your questions. Drop it if he changes the subject.



Report your own activities, which should also include friends of the opposite sex.



Don't go on the prowl for new male friends just to prove a point, but make sure he grants exactly as much freedom as he expects.



If he reacts badly, then he must find something wrong with his own behavior.



At that point, keeping the tone affectionate and gently teasing, say:



"Okay, let's agree to some rules we're both comfortable with."



Then lay out the ground rules together and hold yourself to them. Be grateful when he does the same. Don't thank him only with sex because he may see it as manipulative, but do jump his bones if you feel like it. ;)



Also, there's nothing wrong in letting certain of your boyfriend's female friends know you've got jealousy issues, and asking them to be respectful of your need for reassurance. Don't do it to everyone, just the few you feel strongly threatened by.



Own it as your issue and not their fault and mean it, and even the backstabbing ******* will probably at least ACT sympathetic.



Use the same "I trust you so be kind about it because I'm vulnerable" kind of approach. Imply or say this is a talk you've had with others who've all responded well, even if it isn't. This:



- heads off a confrontation by making sympathy seem like the only reasonable response

- makes them aware you've got your eye on them

- makes them your ally in keeping him honest, even if they want him themselves they'll scare off other women and be reminded of you when they do

- may cause them to re-assess their intentions or change their minds out of guilt or fear

- leaves the door open to develop friendships by encouraging the same level of honesty

- will make them assume other women in your circle have had the same conversation with you, which adds peer pressure and extends the implied reach of your eyeballs



Tell him as soon as possible after you've had one of these conversations, and talk about the woman's reaction, good or bad. That way he gets no nasty surprises from others.



Again, keep it light.



If this gentle approach brings good results, you can stop worrying. Your rules will ensure you both stay honest. You'll find after awhile they won't even need enforcing, they'll just be second nature.



If not, he might be the wrong guy for you, or you might not be ready for a relationship yet, but at least this time YOU can be the one to leave.



He may also prove to be the wrong guy for completely different reasons, circumstances neither of you completely control or a lack of skill in navigating life's difficulties.



That's okay. We all go through it one way or another. Nobody knows it all.



As a living, learning, feeling, seeing, thinking being, with a soul of great beauty and depth that comes through in your writing, you have inherent value.



It can only be YOU you're not good enough for, because you're a marvel.



For your own sake and for the people you love, nurture and cherish yourself.

at one end it seems like your in love with him which makes you jealous and on the other i find that you are stuck with him because this is not the way any healthy relation goes on, what i would suggest that keep your fears away and see the facts write down good and the bad on 2 papers point wise see which one has more, if good one stay with him and if bad one are more than you better quit dear because life is for once, no need to live under pressure of fears.