GOD What to Do?!?

It's obviously in error to just drop all your motivation in reserve and give up, which is unrealistic I think because the human instinctual drive for survival won't let you just "lay down and die." But, ****, everytime I turn around I'm getting cornholed by fate and finding that all the good intention and focused visualization doesn't work out in the long run. I got on the bandwagon, I was turning my life around, and then after I meet all these women I still don't manage to find one who will simply go out on a single date with me. I buck-up and find a new, better paying job, and they fire my *** four weeks later. I start to whittle away the time I waste with friends who don't do me any good and I find myself sitting alone in a ******* donut shop.
I honestly was in the mode to make things finitely change in my life- I was determined not to just try to relive old memories and step backwards into an old vision of my old self, but to emerge into a new day, a new path, a new way of seeing myself and looking at the world. That was fine and dandy. But now I look around and all the changes, the few that I've actually made, have resulted in massive losses. Women who aren't interested and became alienated because they couldn't be my friend and wouldn't go out with me. I left my old lame job to start at a new one and had all this motivation and drive and was going to take it serious, but they were lame and didn't want to have to train someone so they just ditched me so they could look for someone who already had experience and could start work already up to snuff. I made subtle changes in my daily routines and politely declined plans with different people and tried to strengthen friendships with people I thought were "with" me, and I find that everytime I try to initiate plans with anyone from that point on bails on me every single time.
I'm not a weirdo or a creep, I'm not into stuff that repels people, I clean up nice and I take care of myself. I don't know what it is that makes me such a ******* leper and someone to avoid. I don't get it. It would seem that you should be able to read the feedback you get from other people, that it should somehow match what you intend from within, and that the interpretation of those intentions in the form of your actions would work as a kind of language on their own. You talk to someone, the way they react and respond should tell you if you're saying the right things and saying them the right way. When you aren't, then you figure out what you're doing wrong and how to fix that. I feel like I was on the right track for a while there, and I KNOW I was, but for some reason I've come up snake eyes in a number of ways. I even met someone I was sure would wind up being my next best friend, we hit it off great, impeccably, and she avoids me like the plague. I don't get it!
I feel helpless because I don't know what to do- I've already pretty much landed another job. It doesn't pay quite as much as the lame last one, but how can I complain. At least it pays better than the job I left before. But I don't know how to tailor a career out of something that interests me or gets me off because I still don't know what I'm interested in enough to seek employment doing it. I still don't know what gets me off because I don't think I can get paid to goof off and draw funny pictures or lounge around and write music.
With women, the classic advice "Just be yourself" finally made sense to me a few weeks back, and while it takes time to change your mindset and regain your confidence and a productive self-perception, I keep slamming into situations where my confidence IN women instead of ABOUT them wanes farther and farther down a hole. I have ideas that women, in America at least, suffer from unique syndromes related to their own self-esteem and their expectations. They'll consider themselves too fat or ugly or incapable or insufficient in some way, but then they won't settle for a guy who doesn't meet some stellar criteria they've dreamed up based on images from the media and dreams of success and luxury. That's putting it rather blunt and polarized, but I'm not trying to write a PC article- that's for a different website.
As far as the friends thing goes, it stands to reason that you surround yourself with people who reflect something about you, whether it's intentional and a conscious effort or not. Reaching out and putting the effort out to connect with people isn't the problem, it's finding quality people who are receptive to connection. If you reach out to someone who's desperate, they will cling to you like duct tape- that's not healthy, and it's often not very pleasant, unless you're some ego-maniac or something.
So I feel helpless because I recognized all these things I needed to do to enact change in my life, but the work I did to make those changes happen resulted in a handful of trainwrecks, and I'm left with rubble all around me. No one to talk to, nothing productive to contribute to; I've got a lot of heart and no one to share it with.
I can hear it now- "Oh, waa-waa- dry it up and clean your house or do the dishes. Idle hands are the devil's playground."
Yeah, I hear you.
HairyDood HairyDood
36-40, M
May 15, 2007