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Nothing Inside

I dunno...it's something that comes back to haunt me every few days - like today. It's very random. Two days ago, I was happy and cheerful and now I feel so...gloomy. It goes away when I'm around people I love and when I'm having fun, but as soon as I'm alone, as soon as my mind is idle, it slowly creeps up on me. This hollowness, this emptiness envelopes me, surrounding my heart and mind until I just can't feel anything.

It comes to a point where I grow so desperate, to feel something, anything, that I have to literally fight the urge to self-harm.

I dunno...maybe it'll go away tomorrow. Meds don't work on me anymore. I try not to think about the future...but how can one stop themselves from thinking?

I'm a coward, aren't I? I resort to self-harm or depression to try to escape it all but it just makes it worse.

I can't help it. If I try to push back the feelings now, they'll only come back tomorrow. There's no point in trying to fight it.




DarkAngel123 DarkAngel123 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 20, 2010

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Thank you for your encouraging words. They made me smile.

...Pain is a given in life. You don't have to hurt yourself to experience it, it's going to happen any way (point in case: what else do you think the "gloomy feeling" is in the first place, why you feel like that at all to begin with?) Keep in mind, you're not the ONLY one who "suffers" from these kinds of feelings but you ARE the only one who suffers YOUR pain...<br />
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...No one else can experience these feelings the way you do because YOU are the only YOU there is. Also keep in mind that the "gloom" you feel is being felt for a reason (no pain exists WITHOUT reason) but sometimes the reason for that pain is simply because it's just there, just BECAUSE you're a thinking human being. Pain is how we learn and, even if there seems to be no reason for the pain at all, that the pain is there is often the only reason it exists...<br />
<br />
...But why is there a rainbow after it rains sometimes? You can get all scientific about the matter, break it down to the refraction of ambient light through water particles in the air and even get down to the nitty-gritty of sub atomic structures and stuff but the fact remains: you SEE rainbows sometimes... just like you feel darkness behind your eyes. You smile for absolutely no reason from time to time too, I'll bet. If you think about it, I'll bet you can remember straight laughing out loud just because you suddenly felt like laughing, too, eh?<br />
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...The "gloom" is just easier to remember because it HURTS. Try not to dwell on WHY you feel bad sometimes and focus on the fact that you just DO, right then and there (no matter what the reason) and the bad feelings will begin to become more and more subjective in nature as you practice the trick of realizing that, sometimes, you just feel bad... because you're SUPPOSED to...<br />
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...Even without any medications, your brain is already FULL of hormones, peptides, endocrines and a HUGE list of other natural DRUGS that combine and mix according to the way you feel. if you continually dwell on the "gloom" then your brain and body get used to that particular combination of natural drugs that slosh around in your gray matter and the human brain can get addicted to a certain way of feeling. You can get addicted to feeling bad!<br />
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...So here: [sh4d3m4ch1n3 passes Dark Angel a big fat ol' "Brain Doobie" made of how beautiful a person D.A. seems to him]... smoke some of THAT! Look in the mirror and take a few hits on the pretty smile you're seeing when you think of just how bright and charming Dark Angel really is...<br />
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...Get addicted to the fact that, just as "gloomy" as you can sometimes feel, you have the same power to feel as bright as any rainbow that has ever graced the sky after a storm. Don't feel so alone, either. I get down and gloomy from time to time myself...<br />
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...But storms never last forever. They always end with a clearing of the skies...<br />
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...And sometimes there's so many colors up there that it becomes as hard to see and feel the gloom as it is to bathe in the light when I'm down. You said it yourself: "If I try to push back the feelings now, they'll only come back tomorrow."...<br />
<br />
...Don't fight it. Just get addicted to the light that's there when you're NOT feeling the gloom and you'll do just fine! OK?