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It's Hard To Explain,

Unless you've felt like this, I guess this will be hard to understand, hard to imagine, hard to feel. The emptiness inside me is something even I don't fully understand let alone know how to express in words. Emptiness is like an iron feather, a dark cloud - it feels so heavy yet when you stop, exhale and focus, it feels like there is nothing there, nothing in your chest. No lungs, and no heart. I can't feel my heart, it's like I don't have one at all. It feels like I want to cry, but nothing ever comes out. And it feels like I'm not here, I'm existing but not living, not feeling. It is constantly there, no matter what I do, no matter what other emotions I feel or fake, it is always there.

I'm scared it will never go away.
FadedMarks FadedMarks 16-17, F 2 Responses May 8, 2011

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I doubt that almost a year after the last post this post will get any attention, but in case the poster does see it, I'll post it anyway. You are not the only one who feels this way. Not me personally, but my best friend. They've felt this way since they were five, and continued to feel that way until they were 15. They aren't sure of the exact reasons, but they did. They faked being happy around everyone she knew and met, for 10 years. I don't know why, but she told me about this, and nobody else. I did everything I could do to try to help. Trying to identify the problem to work towards the solution, but mainly I suppose I was just someone who actually cared. I never found the problem itself, and never fixed it, but somewhere along the way, she stopped feeling hollow. She cared and felt happy, and it was wonderful. She went through several hardships over the summer, all of which I tried to help with, not always able to though. Eventually, I made a mistake that I cannot possible regret more. I told her how I felt, about her. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I felt guilty that I liked this girl and she didn't know that. I honestly spoke from the heart, and she felt strongly enough to attempt a relationship. With me, and I'm definitely not the best looking guy who liked this girl. I mean, she was beautiful, intelligent, clever, fun to be around, an amazing writer, it was phenomenal how one person could be so amazing. But shortly thereafter, she started to feel hollow again. There were several possible reasons why this happened, and she assures me it's not my fault at all, but I can't help but feel that I'm a factor. I tried everything I could think of to make her happy again, despite how I felt about all of this. I mean, She really trusted and cared about me one day, and the next she told me she could care less if I were around or not. That stung, but it's not her fault. She didn't choose to stop caring. I don't even care how I feel about it, if I lose it or complain about it, how does that help her? I am not going to give up trying to make her happy again. I don't even care if she's my girlfriend, I don't want her to be if it means she can't be happy. Her happiness is the only thing I care about. This is about her. I don't know what I can do, because she doesn't care if she's happy or not. I think she doesn't want to feel all of those hardships, but at the price of her happiness, I don't think it's worth it. I probably care way to much, but I know that deep down she still cares, that doesn't just go away overnight. She still smiles and laughs, while she assures me it's a reflex and fake, she still cares. There's a tiny sparkle in her eye that hasn't gone away, and that tells me that she can be happy. I'm not sure if I'll be the one to make her happy, but I care way too much to stop trying until she is. If you do end up reading this, and you did figure out how to stop this hollowness, please let me know. She really just deserves to be happy again...

Be happy that you feel scared. Because, believe me, you're not quite hollow and empty yet. Hollow and empty is not a scary or emotional feeling. It just is. Hollow and empty is really that. The <br />
last trace of emotion has been used up, there is nothing left to sense, cry or feel, just a vacuous void. You sound like you're sad and grasping. Just grasp that bit harder and it may well come to you before you reach nothing. Good luck.

Thank you,
I wrote this around four months ago, and I wish I could say that everything changed but it didn't. There is nothing. I just don't care about anything anymore.