Stuck, But Hopeful

There seems to be something missing out of my character that leaves me floundering. A lot of the dreams that seemed so possible once seemed to have bypassed me forever.

I always wanted to work in a music related field, but time, confidence and being badgered into being practicle by outside influeneces saw me waste my life doing menial work for minimum wage.

I promised myself that I would not live in a loveless, confrontational marriage like the one my parents had. Thats exactly how I ended up. I`m married to someone who will fight me even when I`m agreeing with her, makes me feel I`m selfish when I`m really trying to spoil her with love. This woman looks constantly miserable. She will not let me into her mind space, share her feelings, or allow tenderness. We do have an occasional sex life, but I am always given the strong impression that she succumbs out of obligation. Our sex life, rare as it is, is hard, cold and brittle.

My life is past the half way mark, and my real joy is that I`m an older stay at home dad with a young son. He gives me so much joy, and is the reason that I stay in my marriage. Another factor is that I am now 100% financially dependant. Neither of us want our son in day-care. My wife makes damn good money, whilst I`ve only ever been able to scrape by so I was the obvious choice. We also both agreed that I had the greater patience to spend my days with a small child. I love life as a dad, but I hate that feeling that she wields all the house-hold power, knowing that I am very vulnerable.

I have fantasies of having an affair. But I`d never act on these. I`d never want to do something that may cause my son to lose respect for me, and seeing as I have had some legal trouble in the past it would be so easy for my wife to make the whole issue of custody and visitation a real nightmare, if the marriage were to end.

My little boy is the greatest joy I have ever known, and I will go through anything if it means I can be there to experience all that his child-hood has to offer.

I guess I`ll just hang in there and keep working towards the best that my life has to offer.

musicmad musicmad
41-45, M
3 Responses Mar 24, 2009

Tell her how bad you want that break through. Unless she is utterly heartless she probably wants it too. I feel for you man.

Thanks! Despite everything I still adore this woman, and will keep on trying for that break through.

I admire you for staying faithfull to your wife. I hope you can work things out.