I Can't Yell Any Lounder!!

Ever since I was a kid, I felt invisible.  I was the third of four children, each at least five years apart.  I did manage to meet some really cool people along the way, people that I would definitely call "friends", but I still had such monstrous feelings of loneliness, apathy, and a huge need for attention.  I started to dress in a punk style right down to pink hair, but no one seemed to be bothered by that.  My grades fell about as far as they could fall.  I never gave my parents my report cards, and they never asked.  And then I was kept home from school a couple of days for flu-like symptoms.  I realized I was getting better, so while my mother ran to the convenience store around the corner, I wet my hair, and ran around the backyard in the freezing snow trying to get sick again.  It felt good to be sick.  I wasn't invisible anymore, and so it started, my obsession with health, my health and health in general.  I'm not exactly a hypochondriac, its more like I see doctors and have tests run on me because it makes me feel better somehow.  I actually do have some significant medical issues, but they don't make me feel the relief that my perceived illnesses do.  I still feel like I'm trapped in a clear box, screaming my head off.  I can see that others see me, but it's like no one hears me.  I feel embarrassed and desperate, but an IV would feel better than any hug I could receive.


crazeegrl crazeegrl
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 5, 2007

oh & they do a lot of screaming and yelling in plays/drama groups & it's real fun - you will be praised for screaming ;)

I have an idea... I've had similar experiences - <br />
have you tried joining a drama group or auditioned for a play? This kind of attention is something you will unlikely be able to beat as all eyes are on you and people rely on you thus giving you positive attention and friendship. I also find people who go into anything theatre-like are in touch with themselves and others feelings and are quite supportive.<br />
Maybe its not the fact you need to stop craving the attention but redirect it into something 'healthy'.

It sounds like your deeper self has managed to keep things under control - many others would have become hypochondriacs. <br />
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That said, there are certainly other ways of easing the hurt that is burned deep.<br />
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And I suspect that in the end, this is not even quite what you're looking for. We are all seeking something, not the absence of something else :)