How I Really Feel....

When I was younger, my grandma passed away from cancer. I had lost the woman I had done everything with and spent everyday with. Then my dad passed away from lung cancer. It killed me to watch him suffer. I watched as the ambulance came in, taking him out on a stretcher. And I remember my family coming home, telling me that he was gone...And I think that's the first time I've ever felt broken. And everyone teases me in school, and I just smile and laugh and pretend that I don't care. But truth is, it hurts. And I wish they would stop. I think that all the teasing and name calling has affected me greatly. I suddenly notice everything wrong with myself. And that IS everything. I've looked in the mirror a thousand times, hoping to find something, at least one thing, that I can be proud of. That I can be happy about. But all I see if big, fat, ugliness. People tell me I'm pretty, but I think that's just because they don't want to hurt my feelings.... When in reality, it hurts worse when you lie. I seem like a fun person. Smiling all the time, laughing, making jokes. But when I'm by myself, that's who I really am. Not the fun person you see, but a person who needs help. Who needs comfort. Who wants someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me that everything's going to be okay. The only problem is, I don't know how to tell someone that. They probably wouldn't even believe me. But just because you smile and laugh all the time doesn't mean your the happy person you portray. Sometimes, I think to myself and question my existence. Why should I be here? Yeah, some people may be sad but I'm sure they will get over it at some point. I just want to be HAPPY. I don't want to be the person that people call a *****, suicidal freak, ******, *****, any of those things. Honestly, what did I do to deserve any of this? Yes, I've cut, and burned, and starved myself, but does that honestly give people a reason to call me a freak? I just don't know how to deal with all of this. And I feel like I hurt everyone all around me and I really don't mean too. I'm a complete disaster. Yes, I look happy and complete and someone who loves life. But really, I'm sad and broken and question my life. And the worse part is, I can't tell anybody. And its killing me. I don't want to go to bed with wet lashes and smeared makeup. I want to go to bed with a smile on my face, but that is something I can only imagine for now.
WeShouldWhisper WeShouldWhisper
18-21, F
Sep 25, 2012