Long Engagements Are Probably a Good Thing.I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with me. I am married, I have a child. I am smart (I like to think more than most). I am attractive. I put others wants before myself all the time. I give up myself too easily. Now that I am getting older it is catching up to me. I'll be 30 in a few years and I still don't feel like I am where I need to be. I don't even feel like I'm on the right path.
I met my husband in a very bad period of my life. I barely knew him and we were married less than a year after starting to date- but he was having a lot of problems and I could save him from some really bad things. I always had this feeling of being empty inside. I always tried to fill it- boyfriends, alcohol, nothing lasted very long. I got pregnant and I found out that a big hole was filled with my daughter. Now I'm wondering what else I'm missing.
I don't know if I love my husband the way I'm supposed to. I feel love for him, but being with him doesn't feel right. We don't have the same interests, the same education, the same parenting style, the same taste in clothes and music... we are not even sexually compatible- and I'm the one who has to compromise on that front since I'm the one who wants more and is more adventurous.
I feel like my options are to either keep "faking" at being my husband's wife or to ruin the lives of my daughter, stepchild and husband by leaving. I have done a lot for him (understatement) and I am wondering if now that he's "fixed" and doesn't need me- that I have lost my need to be with him.
I won't leave him for that feeling- but the rest is starting to eat at me. He doesn't understand me and he doesn't "get" me the way that I know people can. I have had connections with other men and I always ignore them out of loyalty and sense of respect (where was THAT when I had one of my bad phases?) I would rather I seem to be coming across as a snotty ***** than to encourage interaction and have something "just happen". I have no specific person in mind when I write this- but I often wonder a general "what if" and then feel guilty.
This whole thing has been triggered by a friend of my husband's who complimented me. A lot. On my intelligence and many other non-looks related things- including how he felt he should have stepped in years ago when he had the chance- he was with my husband when we met, but I knew him years before meeting my husband. This is a guy that I was roommates with once but nothing happened. It never would... I don't think. I don't think we are compatible (religion being one biggie), but my husband never compliments me and it made me sad that his friend was the one making me feel good and attractive while we were all together.
My husband is not a bad guy. I just don't know if he's the guy for me and that makes me sad. I do know that if I had another baby that some of those feelings would go away- for a while anyway- but I worry about how I would feel after all the kids are older and there is nothing left.
I feel incomplete.
quietfire 26-30, F 7 Responses 3 Apr 20, 2007